I love my mommy

Today is always a hard day. MomMom left this morning. She left around 5:30 and when I finally realized what happened at 5:45 - I was like... wait no! I wanted to give her a better hug than that! She's gone! ahhhh!

It's very apparent to me why I had to leave New Jersey and my mom..... I always was extremely attached to her - I mean really attached! I have no doubt that if I hadn't left New Jersey, her and I would just live together as old maids and I'd be a 50+ year old living with her MomMom with a bunch of animals. I used to think that would be okay but then I met Brandon, Lennox & Raymond. As hard as it has been to leave my parents and cleave to my husband - I know that it was God's plan. I answered the nudging of the Spirit and this is what He had designed for my life. It isn't easy - but I'm blessed. I feel guilt for leaving her, for not being there for grandma in her last years....for so many things, but then I look around at my life - and I just know that this is what God had designed for me.

MomMom served us and just lavished on us again this trip. I wish I could do the same for her. I feel so much guilt when she spends spends does does and I have no way to pay her back. I know I will someday though.

I don't know why she loves me like she does. And I mean that. I know I am not as good as she thinks I am.....and I know I am completely undeserving of her constant approval, love and encouragement. I don't understand why Brandon and her (and God) love me at all sometimes. I can be impatient, quick to anger and absolutely murderous with my tongue at times.

I feel so undeserving to have her as a mother.

I am so thankful for this time we had together....

I am so thankful for cell phones to be able to call her 3+ times a day (one of the treasures my mom brought from grandma's house, as she is still sorting through her things, was letters from grandma to grandma talley (my great grandma). They lived states apart and of course had no phone. THAT I can't imagine. Obviously God allowed me to be born in 1983 for a reason. We found the letter that grandma wrote to grandma talley announcing that her and PopPop have decided to get married. Amazing to read their letters and to know what was going to happen. They had so many questions about their future and so many decisions to make....knowing what the outcome was and what was to happen to them as I read these letters was just a weird feeling. Like seeing things from God's perspective!! As grandma wrote about getting married and how they just thought it was time - little did she know that they were being nudged by the Spirit to go ahead and get married because a few months after marriage PopPop would be drafted and leave to fight in World War II) ....

I am also so thankful for web cams so Raymond could see her face....and for the fact that I know we will be together very shortly again!!!

and I sure am thankful that it isn't raining today...because I couldn't take mama leaving, Raymond being so cranky because of his yeast infection on his bottom and 2 splinters in the thumb he sucks AND a sky ful of clouds. THAT would be an environment for a complete breakdown. Thank God it's a beautiful sunny day and we're going down to walk at the Loop at Wrightsville! Now it's time to get back on track as far as fitness goes! While MomMOm is around we feast --- now it's time to get back to reality hehe.

Thank you God for "cita", for my past, for my present and for my future. I don't know why you love me like you do!