My angel

After we buried grandma next to Pop Pop in Maryland, MomMom (also known as Mama, Mamawolfe or Cita) drove us back home to North Carolina. She stayed from last Friday until today and just left and again I am broken heart-ed. She IS my angel. I don't even know where to start in explaining what a wonderful woman she is. EVERYBODY who knows her says she IS an angel. She was sent here by God to bless the lives of those all around her and she HAS and continues to every day.

When she comes down to visit (we try to see each other every 6 to 8 weeks)... she flitters in here with her butterfly wing hugs, bringing peace, fresh air, fun adventures, that silly laughter and fun songs and then before I know it she's gone leaving only TONS of gifts and food from Costco, usually a whole bunch of house improvements and always flowers in my flower pots that sat empty before she came. She leaves me brokenhearted that she's gone again yet a much better person knowing I had my MomMom influence, praise, love and encouragement in person for a short time.

We talk every single day - many days it's numerous times a day but there is nothing like having her HERE with me to DO things together or just "sit and be" like I love to do.

I never know how to re-pay her except to be as good a mom as I can to Raymond and appreciate everything she gives. If I could be 1/10th as encouraging, uplifting and simply "nice" as she is then Brandon will be a happy husband and Raymond will be blessed so I'm trying!

God - I just don't understand though!! WHY was I given the absolute BEST mom AND grandmom EVER!!?? It just doesn't seem fair to others.... why do I deserve them (I don't) and what can I do to show my appreciation. I am not anywhere near being as great of ladies as they are --- I need help knowing how to be a better wife, daughter, friend, person. I want to be more like them, I am not happy with the person I have been these last months. Call it depression, call it heartbrokenness, there is no excuse, I need a change and I need to get my life back on track.

Thank you God for MomMom and for grandma and for the ability to be able to start fresh and new every day - because of the gift of Jesus, I know I can be forgiven and can start anew -- all things are new in you. Please help me be more like these women in my life.

Reminder to blog later more about MomMom -- what she was like when I was growing up, in my teenage years, college, when Raymond was born, etc. etc. Maybe even write her life history with her some day like I did grandma.

Back to Blogging

Well I don't even know where to start. I am so full of emotions and thoughts but I can't seem to find the words that I need to get out.

My grandma, Evelyn Elizabeth Talley Murphy finally went to be with her Creator and Savior, the absolute love and center of her life on Mother's Day this year. I was hysterical when I got the call that I wasn't going to make it in time to see her again. When the pain isn't so fresh I will write more about her sicknesses and aging process but for right now, I just have to type that I am sad for myself and for the time I have missed with her and will miss with her - but I rejoice knowing that she is at a resting place with no more pain and suffering. I don't know anybody that loves the Lord more than my grandma - she has wanted to be with her Lord for many years but we were not willing to let her go. She was so much of a selfless person she wasn't going to go until she knew we would be able to handle it. On Mother's Day my mom finally started whispering to her, "I'm okay, I'm okay" instead of "you're okay you're okay" and grandma then knew she could go. The Lord and grandma would not have wanted me to see her in the last days - they wanted me to remember all the positive memories I have of her, and I'm blessed to know that the last times I saw her she was in her house and happy. I really have only positive memories of her.

So that's all the words I have about that for now. This is a reminder for me that later I want to type in her life history I wrote in 2002, I want to write about the sickness and last years and I want to write about the memorial service and graveside funeral. So I'll be doing that when my heart is ready and available.


http://www.dailyrecord.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20070515/ANNOUNCE05/705150312

Moved in

The internet & me are together again! I actually didn't miss it that much. It felt good to not be tied down to emails, etc. but I did miss being able to vent out some feelings, I missed all my friends and I missed reading my favorite blogs.

I need prayer for my mom, my grandma and our family. It is so hard to be away from my hometown and my family - especially during all the troubles grandma is having. Her alzheimers and seizures have thrown her into the hospital basically unresponsive. I am headed up there Thursday. I believe in miracles, I believe that God will relieve her of this pain & suffering. I believe that she CAN can better! I absolutely believe that God can and will turn this situation around - He will either let he ber better and continue her life here enjoying her new great grandbabies or He will let her go to Him in heaven and for the first time in her life be truly ALIVE and HAPPY. My only comfort right now is knowing that He wouldn't leave her alone and that He is allowing her to feel His presence if nothing else.



I ask for forgiveness for deserting my family to come down to NC in 2001 for school. I pray for God to take away the guilt I feel for being away. I have such a strong and intimate connection with my mom and grandmom, this is unbearable to me to not be there to help in whatever way I can. Especially because my personality is the type to run TOWARD problems and be right there in the middle of it helping. I can't stand to walk away or be away when an emergency or problem is going on. Since we finally closed on the house, I am headed up to NJ Thursday with Raymond - I just pray for God to use me in whatever way He can and wants to.



I pray that I will be able to understand that when I married Brandon, I promised to cleave to him and support him and I pray that I can have the strength to love and support even when I feel unloved and unappreciated beacuse of how little we see each other these days. Protect my marriage God, protect my heart, protect my faith and family.



How do you know if you made the right decision and you're just being tested.... or if you've made a wrong decision and you're being punished? I don't know, I'm getting myself all confused.



I go back to Romans 8:28 -- I DO love you Lord, please work things out or if you can't change the situation right now --- please help me know what to do to change my attitude!



I need some miracles, and I believe God can bring them. Please God!