a bad day - but a blessed life

Ever have a day (month, year?) that you just feel .... inadequate, not up to par, not successful at your roles? I feel like I'm always second -guessing myself in the mom role. It's just that it happened so suddenly - yes I had 6 months (I found out when I was 3 months pregnant) to prepare - but it was so unexpected.... I couldn't believe GOd would trust me with such an incredibly HUGE responsibility and role.... and sometimes I feel like I'm failing at it....

I don't even know where to start this journal entry --- except to say I guess I just had a bad day. This morning I did something that is SOOO unlike me - ms. planner & ms. organized. I ran out of gas on my way to Raymond's doctor's appointment. I knew I had very little gas - but I just didn't feel like stopping last night so I figured I'd get it this morning. It said I had 30 more miles -- and the gas station is within walking distance from my house. I didn't even make it out of my development and it ran out. I guess that's how much the A.C. uses gas - I don't know.

I probably could have just pushed the car to the station it was so close... but how was I supposed to do that? Have Raymond steer while I push? So I felt like such a loser - I had to get Raymond in the stroller in this unbearable heat (thank you God it wasn't as hot as last week -- and thank you God it was right near the house and gas station) to the gas station, buy a canister, fill it with some gas and walk back to the car. By the time I got back to the car I was DRENCHED. and tired and unhappy but still thankful it happened where it did. Then I had the wonderful task of trying to figure out how this thing worked. With a crying (hot) baby who doesn't feel good already - I could barely concentrate enough to read the instructions on this stupid canister. Through my sweat (and tears) I almost made out the words and then just said -- forget it, I'll force it open... there was all this safety "stuff" to protect the can from not opening --- but that sure didn't help me - it sure did open and open all over my hands and shoes. :(

Then I read the label and it says in huge warning letters - be careful - gasoline fumes are harmful keep yourself and children away from gasoline at all times, etc. etc..... as if I didn't feel like a bad enough mother already. I went through about 30 baby wipes trying to get the gas off of everything - but still tonight I smell nothing but gasoline. I FINALLY figured out how to get the spicket thingy to be able to pour the gas into the car... and we were off to the doctor's - sweaty and crying (both of us). Good thing I left early to let Raymond catch a cat nap in the car.

We were going for Raymond's well check --- and the last time I went to the doctor I reminded myself NEVER to go again without a helper. This time I am writing it down to remind myself -- NEVER EVER go to the doctor again without Brandon there with you or a helper! Raymond is SOO extremely strong and very strond minded and independent - and he is soo hard to handle when he's tired, doesn't feel good or doesn't want to be somewhere. Right now he naps twice a day still - and when he misses that good morning nap - he's about impossible. I literally can not control him sometimes. I think a lot of it has to do with his frustrations. It requires a lot of patience to deal with him when he throws a frustration tantrum -- patience I don't have all the time. :( He's had constant teething which causes ear infections and he must not feel good a lot of the time. But he just tires sooo hard to be happy though --- he's always so smiling and tries to always have fun - but gets frustrated so easy. I didn't realize that his crankiness was because he didn't feel good. He really doesn't say any words, isn't walking at all - and has had quite a few ear infections (well 2 that were diagnosed - and I have feeling there were a lot more). He has fluid in his ears - and they really aren't sure how much he hears -- although mommy knows that he definitely does hear -- he knows his name and he LOVES to dance to any sort of music he hears! But I just don't know how clear he hears. Something I brought up to the doctor months ago, that was just shrugged off as a paranoid mom fear.

I was born almost 100 % deaf --- and I had to get tubes in my ears three times before it finally worked well enough for me to HEAR. Once that 3rd set went in, I took my first step and starting talking up a storm (but don't worry - I've made up for the times I missed not talking).

I know that Raymond's hearing is definitely better than mine -I'll be curious what the ears/throat/nose doctor says on Thursday.

Raymond was also born with an enlarged kidney (they actually caught it while he was in the womb) and so we've been having to go to ultrasounds every 6 months. Our next one is in a month. I hope that isn't why he gets fevers so often --- and why he sleeps so much - I don't know though. The doctors don't seem concerned about it at all.

The other things the doctor changed was that we are officially tonight stopping the bottle. He's still been having his bottle before his bath after dinner (with Next Step formula) but now we're quitting that cold turkey - and doing milk and sippy cups only. And his favorite toy - his walker - is now folded up and sitting in the top of his closet.... he has always walked on his tip toes (my brother did the same thing)... but the doctor thinks it's making it worse to only walk with the walker -- since he's always pushing it around - and we push with our toes not our heels -- so that makes sense to me. So the walker is bye bye... but he won't miss it once he is running all over the house without it. I can't believe how fast this guy goes with the walker though - it's incredible haha. He turns corners so fast and literally RUNS - sometimes I can't even keep up with him running - he's so fast. I look forward to him running around without it - he'll be so cute walking and running around!

I just feel like I have done so much wrong as a mom. It's the hardest job EVER --- yet anybody can qualify for it..... and it's not really praised or appreciated (which quite frankly I'm used to --- being a good athlete and good student - I'm used to constant rewards and praise when I excelled).

I just feel like a failure some days... but I know true failure only comes when you quit. Right now I'm just making a LOT of mistakes that I need to learn from.... but I don't think Raymond deserves a mom that makes mistakes!!!!!!!!!!! Starting off those first days when I was starving Raymond and couldn't understand why he was crying.

He was trying to tell me he was hungry and I would just pass him to Brandon or MomMom because I couldn't comfort him and I thought he was getting milk but he wasn't. So I believe I lost a lot of ability to comfort him then. I think I lost some of his trust :(... Then when we finally got that figured out (day 3 of his life) I got the worst mastisis (mastitis?) and was miserable anytime he nursed. I would just cry and cry.... and I had the worst baby blues - sometimes I would even scream when he was nursing. Losing his trust even more -and losing that bond. I had the worst baby blues for a while. I would give him to Brandon a lot the first months - I didn't have any confidence and those first weeks didn't help that at all. I felt like a failure - and I felt God had really messed up giving me this huge huge huge huge responsibility.

Then Raymond thrived - he slept, ate and did everything so well. I was on cloud nine - we had a great rest of the year.... and was so proud of myself and how I was keeping up the home and being a good wifey and taking care of Raymond. The only thing that I had a negative feeling about was how attached he was to Brandon and not me... I think it has to do with the mistakes I made the first months. And the fact that when Raymond gets sick which has almost been monthly... when he gets sick - he runs to Brandon.

Whenever he was sick up until a month ago - I'd let Brandon comfort him. Either when we were home - I was the one who was calling the doctor, calling the nurse line, finding the tylenol,etc. etc. and Brandon would be comforting him.... There were too many other details I had to work out so I just let Brandon take care of him...... but if I could do it all over again -- I'd say Brandon do this do this do this - and I would take Raymond!!

I don't mean to complain -- I just say all that to say.... I hope that Raymond knows I love him. My love language is words - and so I don't necessarily feel loved by him yet. I feel like he loves Brandon the most and that I'm just his caretaker for when Brandon's not around. I just feel like a terrible mom sometimes. It's my fault he hasn't progressed like he has - and it's my fault he isn't as connected to me as he should be. I never wanted him attached to me - I'm not into the attachment-parenting thing ---- but I certainly wanted to have a great bond with him. So from now on, I don't care if I have to do all the details AND hold Raymond - I am going to comfort him when he's sick!

So all that being said... I just feel like a mess today. And when you're having a negative day --- you just see everything else through negatives glasses. All I see when I look at my beautiful home is the dog hair everywhere that I haven't cleaned - the pile of papers I need to file but haven't and the books I have been wanting to read but haven't... when you're feeling like a loser --- all you can see is other things that support that opinion.

So I'm going to go to bed and I'll just start over tomorrow. When I wake up I will say, "I am a child of God - the only and only King. Therefore I am a princess and I am a great mom, wife and friend. I do my best for my family and I am not hard on myself at all. I love myself and I am beautiful inside and out." So that's my positive reinforcement speaking for myself when I wake up tomorrow. I'm so thankful that this is what is a bad day for me. My bad days are still better than the GOOD days of 80% of this world's population.

I am so blessed. There's always some sunshine amidst the clouds.