Christmas recap

We had a really great Christmas. We love any day when it's the 3 of us being able to enjoy family time together. But to add on top of that... wonderful reflection time, gifts, favorite movies and songs, and a yummy home cooked feast was great. I cooked my first turkey! And made all southern side dishes passed down to me from my mother in law which were all family recipes passed down to her!! A real southern meal --- cooked by a yankee! :) Whatever that all means - I really don't understand the segregation anymore and north/south animosity, it's all about how you were raised, not where you grew up geographically anyway....

so anyway -- the meal really was no big deal!! I plopped the turkey in - and 4 hours later took it out!! The side dishes took a couples minutes to prepare - but I had done that already when Raymond was napping the day before -- so I literally still got to spend the whole day with the family except for probably 20 minutes.... and still serve them a feast!

Our neighbors who I talk about often (who are actually not our neighbors anymore - moved about 10 minutes away)... came over with their 2 kids and we all had a great time. They are our surrogate (is that what you call it?) family since we were missing our extended family down here in N.C. It was actually our year to go to New Jersey --- but because we both took off time when grandma passed in May - we couldn't make it up there this year. I am already getting excited for next Christmas and our trip to New Jersey!!! But we have a whole year full of fun to look forward to before that!! Terri & Mark coming over was a total last minute thing though... we were just going to eat just the 3 of us -- but when we saw them on Christmas Eve and heard they had nothing to do on Christmas day that was unacceptable to us! So they came and feasted with us and we still had tons of leftovers! haha

I will post again later or tomorrow pictures from the day and another post about our gifts we all received... but most importantly we took time to reflect on the love we share and most importantly the love that God gave us over 2000 years ago.... our Savior in flesh.

Hope you all had a wonderful, peaceful, joyous celebration too! :)

I'm back!!

Well we had the best week with MomMom and Papa!!!! It really was one of the best (and fastest) visits yet!!

I am sorry that I haven't made comments on any blogs recently, that I haven't answered emails and that I even missed my dear friend Candy's birthday (you never told me your birthday was coming up!!!!!! What is the actual date!?!?! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!)

I am soo thankful that Christmas is Tuesday, because this was the hardest goodbye yet with MomMom & Papa. It gives me something to look forward to - and some extra reflection/family time. To focus my attention on Christ, His love, the peace he brought/brings and our little family and forming our own traditions will be just what I needed. It was soo hard to say bye to my parents this time because..... well because it's hard every time! But also because we won't be up in New Jersey until March and I just am homesick -- this is the first year that I won't be able to visit 'home' for Thanksgiving AND Christmas - every other year I've been able to go 'home' for at least one of those holidays.

But more than that - I just miss having my parents around. I wish they had more time with Raymond. They are soo good for him and vice versa! I loved having more people to just absolutely cover Raymond with love and to play and teach him in their own unique ways! It was just the best. All my relationships just seem to get stronger and better with age. My love for my parents increase every year - and the peace in my life increases every year. Life is good - God is so great ............as I always say on my totsites.

I'll post pics from the visit with MomMom & Papa soon.

Hope you all had as wonderful as a week as we did - and that you are OVERFLOWING with the peace and joy of the season.

MomMom and Papa are HERE!!! :)

MomMom and Papa are here (arrived yesterday)!!!!! I am glowing!!! :)

Tomorrow we celebrate Christmas - Brandon even took the day off!! I am sooo happy!

I LOVE my parents and LOVE watching Raymond and them interact - I love just being able to serve them, cook for them, and just love on each other! It is soo nice!

Actually tonight MomMom is cooking - I am cooking Christmas dinner tomororw but today is MomMom's day - she is making homemade pot roast mmmmm! :) I can't wait!

Life is so good - God is so great! :)

December 9th - 80 degrees!

It's December 9th and 80 degrees - that's all I really wanted to post! :) It doesn't feel like December at all! I can't believe how soon Christmas will be upon us!

We have all the windows open and have been playing outside all day - and we all went for a bike ride! Tonight after Raymond's nap we are going to the Chritmas parade downtown - I'm excited for that! We also went to our smaller town parade yesterday morning - it was cute! :)

We've had a fun weekend - and I hope you have too! :)

thoughts for today, Christmas specials and my little elves

I am sooo thankful that ABC again this year aired the Charlie Brown Christmas special. We didn't get to watch it when it was on - but we do have the DVD so Raymond and I watched that today together. It's sad that I'm surprised they played it again --- I am so thankful they did! See clip at bottom of entry

We went to the YMCA this morning so I could swim to get in my workout. I am proud of myself for how often I've been going - and after the new year it will be even more frequent. Raymond for the first time today didn't get upset at all when I left him! He was so playful today! He almost didn't want to go home when I came to get him! He plays in the children center with the rest of the kiddos. He is cutting his bottom 2 canines - and they are definitely the most brutal he's had so far....the amount of drool this time around is amazing. So that's why we were able to watch the Charlie Brown Chritmas - he's kinda in one of those,"just hold me please mommy" days.

We don't watch a lot of TV... actually we didn't have cable for a long time and we only had 1 little small tv, but I do love movies! and I LOVE old movies! and I LOVE Christmas specials.... so if you are looking for some Christmas specials on T.V. here's a link I was sent:

http://www.geocities.com/itsawonderfulchristmas/ChristmasTVSchedule.html

and if you want to see Raymond, and my nephews Hunter and "RiffRaff" as elves go here:

http://www.elfyourself.com/?id=1118304060

Time goes by soo much faster ever since Raymond was born - so I am trying to celebrate Christmas as long as we can! The decorations are all hung, Christmas cards are sent, and we have been reading all the Christmas books we have together....the baking and Christmas dinner test runs are beginning! I LOVE this time of year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :) I will post pictures soon of the decorations around the house! :)

Smile even on rainy days!

I have much to be thankful for as always.... but my poor little Raymond is still sick though --- can you all lift him up in your prayers? We can't seem to kick this viral/nasal/cold/cough thing. I have cleaned everything, aired out the house (since it's 70's again outside!) and so I am hoping it will be ALL gone very soon. I know God has us in His hands, but we're all ready to be feeling 100%.

I was so excited when Raymond got the tubes in his ears that we would both be feeling 100% and could be together at our best for the first time in a long time... but then the day we got the tubes done, I came down with that nasty cold with flu symptoms and he was so happy and played and was so perky for a few days .. but couldn't play with me -- only Brandon got to play with him like that. Then I finally felt better and he got what I had. So we are just looking forward to BOTH being at our best and having a "normal" day again!


We have had days full of: whining, crying, nose blowing, falling because we don't have a lot of strength, acting bad because we're tired... and we're ready to move on from those!

I REALLY do not mean to just complain - like I said -- we're STILL smiling and finding moments in the day to be HAPPY! We know we are so blessed and are healthy and strong, so I don't mean to be a complainer at all! I'm thankful for the good we have, but I am just ready to get rid of the bad! :)

As I always say at the ending on my totsites.com for Raymond journal entries.... Life is good, God is great! and I totally absolutely 100% believe that is true, even on days like this. and I know God is taking care of us and we are 100% healed... now we are just waiting for that healing to physically manifest itself!

Love "yall" as we say in the south (well I dont' say it....but everybody else does)


Smile from ME to YOU! :)

Thanksgiving

I hope everybody had a great Thanksgiving Day!

I have SO much to be thankful for. It's just unreal. I try to list all the things I need to thank God for... but I get overwhelmed because there's MILLIONS! Today, as usual, after I hung up the phone with mom, my hand dialed grandma's number...forgetting she's in heaven. But I wasn't sad like I thought I would be. I have to admit, I feel a lot of peace and almost joy about our situation now. I don't worry about her at all anymore. I don't fear for what the next month/year will bring for her. I am totally happy for her even though I miss her so much.

Many of the relatives we hung out with this weekend lost family members this year (Ding Dong and Donna's father too) and they did not take the holidays as well as I did. For many reasons I guess.... one being that I have missed grandma for 6 years. I have missed her physical presence since I had moved to North Carolina.. and in the last years, missed her as her mind prepared for heaven. The 2nd reason being that grandma and I were soo incredibly close and kindred spirits to the point where we really had nothing left unspoken. We absolutely loved and adored and cherished each other. We both knew how the other felt and we knew we would be together for eternity. Man I wish I could hug and kiss her this Thanksgiving but it's okay.

She is definitely one of the top 5 things in my life that I am most thankful for.

I will be writing a post soon about the true meaning and origin of Thanksgiving and how special that origin is to me.

Our Thanksgiving recap:
We drove up to my in laws about 2 1/2 hours away on Wednesday night. Thursday we went to Aunt Theresa's in Wilson and had lunch with them and then came back to the in laws and ate there around 4:30. A lot of the family was there - I got a picture of all 5 brothers on the couch which is amazing! It was funny to be in their new ranch style house rather than the big house on the reservior.

All the food was sooo good! It tastes better and better every year! Now that I've cooked big meals for us and have seen all my lady relatives serve soo many people at the holidays, it's not intimidating to me at all anymore like it used to be!!! I can't wait to throw more parties and cook for more people. I get soo excited to think that I will have my dream house some day and just be able to serve and do so much for people. I have a dream of having BOTH sides of our family in OUR house for Thanksgiving (or Christmas!)

I am really excited about having Christmas this year at home just Brandon Raymond (Lennox too) and I. Brandon sounded pretty down about not being able to be around the family but when I told him weeks and weeks ago I was going to make my biggest feast ever on Christmas, it perked him up. But I'm not completely serious.... he is happy to start our own traditions and it will be nice to not have to travel. And really all the traditions and everything we look forward to are great --- but we know the true and most important reason for the season.

Today we drove home this morning, Brandon did a half day at work this afternoon and then we went downtown to watch the Christmas tree lighting on the river. It was cute! Raymond had a great time! He still has a nasty cough/cold ....my poor baby, but I know he is healed and in God's hands and is okay! more than okay!

Tonight we decorated the tree and house for Christmas! I will be posting pictures soon!!

We're excited for a fun and relaxing weekend!

Hope everybody's start of the holiday season has been as incredible as mine.

clarification on my last post

Clarification from some thoughts from that last post:

I wrote, "Husband working 40+ hours a week spending more time with his coworkers than his wife. I just don't believe that's the way it should be... and I think most of my generation feels that in their gut too"

I just had to clarify.. that obviously some people need the traditional jobs. Some people are called to be doctors, educators, government officials, etc. etc. that are obviously very important jobs.. and I believe God calls people to those professions by giving them the passion, dreams and talent necessary to be successful in those areas. Then there are others who are called to be away from their families for even more hours... like the military. Again, I believe God calls people to those positions as well.

But then there's the rest of us... Some people are totally satisfied with a traditional job working so somebody else's visions and dreams could come true... and really that's okay too. You can be a blessing and a great example to others in any position.

But I believe that for us, my husband and I... working a job isn't what God intended. He gave Brandon and I both an entrepreneurial spirit and dreams to be able to be financially succesful and independent so we could help others. I have so many ministries and passions and people I want to help.. but they all take money to be successful. So that is why a typical above average income job just isn't good enough for us. I know God wouldn't place in my heart the dreams and passions I have unless He would help me get them. So I am patiently enjoying this down time with Raymond and working on myself so when my opportunity comes I will be prepared and ready - mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically, financially.. etc. and God will be able to trust me when the time is right.

Gotta go - Raymond is calling... more later maybe.

Marriage, Balance, Priorities

What do you all do to keep your marriages refreshed, new, rejuvenated!?

date night? weekend retreats? gifts? read books together? set goals together?

We are constantly working our marriage. We want it to last for eternity.. but we don't just want it to LAST...we want it to be successful and the best it can be! We want it to be EXCELLENT not just good. We have a higher standard than just simple staying together forever. We want to be great examples for others! We know that statistically 6 out of 10 of our friends will get divorced.. we don't want those stats to be true for people around us!

But YES marriage IS hard! Very hard sometimes. It's the most challenging yet most rewarding relationship you can have this side of heaven.

Before we were married, we had SOO much time together because I was in college and so I had a lot of time to pour into us....but then my life did a complete 180!! We had a LOT of changes in a VERY short amount of time! I went from a single college student to a graduate with a full time job, married and then pregnant within 4 months!!

Raymond was not planned by us only by God... and when I found out I was pregnant I was shocked, excited, thrown for a loop, scared! Kids were not even in our mind to tell you the truth, we were totally content just being 'us'. We were soo happy to finally be married and just start our life together. I don't know why God trusted us with Raymond... but I can say now that Raymond was the best thing to happen to me/us. But we really didn't have any time to prepare how we would do things... what goals we would have. A game plan. We hadn't even had time to work on our marriage yet and already our family was growing! And to tell you the truth we need to work on a lot of things that we have let slide during all this transitional time.

Our life was so much more simple pre-Raymond... now it's WAY better but a lot more complex! :) I personally have more time now than I ever have in my life.... but we have a lot less time together. I don't think God intended us to live this way. Husband working 40+ hours a week spending more time with his coworkers than his wife. I just don't believe that's the way it should be... and I think most of my generation feels that in their gut too. I just don't like the lifestyle that the traditional job/career path offers. Brandon and I have been around too many successful entrepreneurs to do this job thing too much longer. We are looking forward to doing something together and spending a lot more time together!! So I'll keep you posted on that!

Anyway... I don't know where I was going with this post.. just expressing some thoughts! :) So my point is... we are going to take a date night this weekend and hopefully plan out some goals we have and changes we need to make in our household.

So reminder of the day: Periodically reflect on how your life is going and make changes to get your priorities in order and life organized. Don't let your lives be so much of a whirlwind you miss it... marriage must remain a top priority in your household. A healthy marriage is the best thing you can do for your kids... so don't ever neglect it. It all starts with your daily habits!

I hope your time, daily habits, and energy reflect where your treasures and priorities are. And most importantly....make sure to give to God first: your time, tithes and talents... everything you have is His anyway. If you do so, He will bless you in all other areas of your life.

PopPop's Eulogy

I wanted to share this... written by my mom for PopPop's eulogy:



Eulogy for Russell Monroe Murphy 7/9/91 by Glennie Jo Wolfe, his daughter

When the doctor called the night of July 3rd to tell us that my Dad was in trouble, I did two things I knew he and Mom would do --- I prayed and I reached for my Bible. One verse jumped out at me: Matthew 6:21 "For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also."



Daddy's treasure wasn't money. His treasures were God, his country, his family and his friends.



Dad loved God. He looked forward to going to church and hearing each sermon. He'd taught a Sunday School clasds ever since I could remember. I know that he made a difference in a lot of lives--- one little boy of six who'd had Dad for a teacher grew up to be a missionary in Venezuela and made sure he came back to let Dad know before he went overseas.



I don't know for sure how many times Dad read the Bible through from cover to cover but I know he read it daily. It leaves a real impression on a child to see her father reading the Bible for pure enjoyment and not just in times of trouble.



Dad was so proud of his country. He truly loved the United States and did his best to instill tha tlove in me, my children and the people he met. He was a patriot even when patriotism wasn't in style. He loved to display the American flag and even put flag stickers in his greeting cards. Several of Dad's friends have mentioned that it seemed fitting somehow that Dad died on the 4th of July.



The picture above the coffin is of Dad when he was 4 years old. It was taken for his brother Milton who was in France in World War I at the time. Dad recited a poem while dressed up as a soldier that day:


"I'm a little soldier In the army, too. Jesus is my captain He will see me through."



He loved each of his grandchildren and made sure that everyone he met knew that he had the smartest, best-looking and most athletic ones around. He constantly encouraged them and assured them that he loved them. He was always interested in me and my life and worked hard for me.



He was a completely family-oriented man. He loved telling stories of when he and his nephew Barney were young and how much fun he'd had growing up on the Eastern Shore of Maryland. He dearly loved his brothers and sisters and tried to keep close to his sisters Kathleen and Pauline even though the miles separated them.



Dad and Mom were married 48 years. Dad loved Mom and she took better care of him than any wife I've seen. They prayed together (which is probably one reason for their long marriage). They also laughed--Daddy was a tease. One of my fondest childhood memorie is of Mom chasing Dad in game at a church picnic. Dad enjoyed those picnics and the church softball gamesd. It seemed to me that he could hit the ball farther than any of the other dads. He loved meeting people and making new friends. He had a real gift for telling a funny story and putting people at ease.



Dad certainly loved life itself. He'd take a mound of dirt in our backyard and grow the most beautiful flowers and vegetables to share with his family and friends. He was generous and loving. On Father's Day last month, I sent him a card with flowers on it and told him how any time I saw beauty in nature I thought of him. Now I always will. I told Dad in that card that I was proud of him. I'm so glad I had the chance to tell him that because I really was lucky to have him for my father.

My Favorite Veteran & his war story

The Veteran that is most special to me is my grandfather, Russell Murphy. My mom's father. My mom's mom, his wife, is Evelyn.... my biggest life influencer and hero that just went to heaven this Mother's Day 2007.

One of the first things I will want to see from God's perspective is why my PopPop had to die when he did. I wish I could have gotten to know him more. I was little, about 9 when he went to heaven... and my grandma was never the same after he passed. I have learned soo much from him from my memories and what my grandma and mom have taught me about him. When grandma and PopPop were married, they became one, and I really don't think that after he passed, she was okay with functioniong and staying here on this earth without him. I don't know why it was his time....maybe some day I will.

But, I do know now that I am soo thankful that God protected PopPop through his service in World War II. In fact every American should be thankful that God protected my grandfather. My grandfather served in the 29th Infantry Division. This division on D-Day, June 1944 stormed ashore on Omaha Beach to win a beachhead. And during eleven months of combat that followed in 4 major campaigns (Normandy, Northern France, Rhineland and Central Europe) had nearly 20,000 casualties that were killed wounded and missing.

We went to see Saving Private Ryan when it was released... and we couldn't watch it. The opening scenes on Omaha Beach were heartbreaking for us. The conditions were described as unbearable.. it was hard even to watch in the theatre and to know that is what PopPop had to endure, and that was just the start of the combat experiences. Any serviceman who got through those first days I know were just saved by Divine intervention. I'm so glad grandma didn't see the movie....it would have been too much for her. She is the most wise woman I know... she said she would definitely not see the movie becaue if God intended her to see war, he would have brought her to it or brought it to her. And I agree... I can't watch war movies like that anymore for one because there's no way a movie can truly capture what it was like for these men and I don't want to pretend I understand what they went through. Also, I'm sure my PopPop would have never wanted me to see what he had to....

....He fought over THERE so I would NOT have to see war here.

In the Washington Post in 1988, there was an article written that included portions of my grandfather's story. I have the article saved away, but I can't get it out right now.. so I will just insert here the synopsis that just has the photos and captions from the first page of the article.....

The Washington Post (pre-1997 Fulltext) - Washington, D.C.
Author: Charles Babcock
Date: Nov 6, 1988
Section: MAGAZINE
Text Word Count: 5226
Clues to the mystery of [Ray Babcock]'s experiences in World War II

PHOTO

CAPTION:Babcock's friend [Russell Murphy], above, with the battalion's only working radio, just after crossing the Roer River in February 1945. Murphy won a Bronze Star for his actions that day.

PHOTO

CAPTION:Russell Murphy, left, by now Company I's communications sergeant, and the author's father, Ray Babcock, by now the company's first-sergeant, in Bremen, Germany, on July 30, 1945, during the early days of the Occupation. Left, Babcock's Bronze Star and Purple Heart medals.

PHOTO

CAPTION:Russell Murphy at Company I's reunion last July, holding a photograph of his basic-training outfit. Left, the 29th Division's shoulder patch. The unit is called the Blue-Gray Division because elements of it fought on both sides during the Civil War. The insignia can still be seen on the walls of a hospital in St. Lo^, France.

PHOTO

CAPTION:Al Ungerleider, left, Russell Murphy and [Marshall Chern] visit the grave of a 115th Regiment comrade at the cemetery above Omaha Beach where thousands of Americans are buried. The three journeyed to France in September to dedicate a memorial to the 29th Division. Right, a map traces the battle path of the division from June 6, 1944, to May 7, 1945.

Like that first caption reads, Pop Pop did have the only working radio after crossing the Roer River.... you may remember a whole portion of Saving Private Ryan that included a story line almost exact to PopPop's experiences. It seems to be loosely based on his experiences. So that is why we should ALL be thankful that it was not PopPop's time until 1992. Who knows what would have happened if he also did not make it off the beachheads, or if his radio was also broken, or if he was not able to perform his duty for whatever othe reason. The radioman's job was one of the hardest. Imagine having to perform, and be as quick as everybody else but carry a huge pack on your back and also protect yourself. Those radios were not a little walkie talkie, they were huge and heavy!

PopPop made it through the war basically unharmed (physically) yet I'm sure it did some damage to his heart. I always remember him as being a gentle, Jesus loving, God fearing man. I don't remember him being bitter, or beaten down or knocked down at all... though I'm sure he came back from WWII a different man than he went.

I am so proud to be PopPop's granddaughter. He always had the upmost respect for our flag, our country, our traditions, our ideals and our history. He knew what he fought for! He was so proud of what he was fighting for. When I see how disrespectful and familiar some people are with our traditions and even our flag, I sometimes think.. I'm glad PopPop didn't have to see this.

Thank you so much God for PopPop... when I go to heaven will I be able to talk to him about our experiences here on earth or will all this not matter anymore? I have so many things I want to tell PopPop about and I want him to know that he did pass on his love for God and country to all of us! I want him to be proud of me! I want him to know that I try my best to respect and stick up for the values he loved and fought for! I want to hear anything he will tell me about the war. I remember him telling lots of great stories when I was little..but I was too young to appreciate them.

I love my PopPop!!!!!!!!

http://www.29thdivision.com/

Christmas, Mary, Jesus, and new song by Sarah Evans & Brad Paisley

This song and video touched me. The pain I felt as I was able to get a teeny teeny glimpse into Mary's world was real to me as I am now a mother... and it was a pain I couldn't endure. I never really thought about Jesus from Mary's perspective until I became a mom. The story took on a whole new meaning and reached into a deeper part of me.

I wrote an email to my friends and family about this mother/son relationship and the Christmas season back in December 2006 and I just found it, and I wanted to post it here:

Hey everybody! Christmas is almost here! Can you believe it!? Below is another great daily reading I thought I'd share. Isn't it amazing to think how Jesus came into this world?!?!?!? I always feel so much peace looking at Raymond (and babies) especially when they're sleeping --- I think that peace we feel is a universal, God-given internal trait connecting us back to how Jesus came into the world - as a babe in a manger. I can't imagine the feeling the wisemen, etc. got when looking at Jesus.

Sometimes I get so upset that Raymond was born before what I thought was the right time to have him. but I know deep down God's time is always right - but sometimes I just get this feeling like I feel bad for not having more for him..... we had goals we wanted to meet before we had kids, but didn't meet them. I just want soo much for Raymond -- can you imagine how God feels for us then, His children?!?! But as I was rocking Raymond the other day I looked over at his nativity scene and just got so emotional. The spirit was letting me connect to how Mary must have felt. Can you imagine the conversations her and Joseph had?!?! Not only for all the other social problems they were having ---- but Joseph did not even plan ahead to set aside room for them in the Inn -- - so they had to have the baby in a MANGER!!!! THE savior of the world in a manger!!!!! I can't imagine the conversations that took place between them. I'm partly kidding --- but really - Mary has a lot more faith than I do. She knew that God would provide for them and she was probably thankful for the manger. Jesus didn't need a fancy bed or to be born in the Inn. She trusted He truly was the savior and she didn't take it upon herself to take complete control of his life -- She knew whose child he really was... God works in silent ways as it says below. It was a 'silent night' when Jesus was born ---- think of all those people in the Inn and around town that were so 'busy' they didn't even know the savior of the world was just born in their own town.
anyway - just wanted to share my thoughts. would love to hear yours!

From: "PurposeDrivenLife.com" dailydevotionals@purposedrivenlife.com
Reply-To: devotionals@purposedrivenlife.com
To: randirooks@hotmail.com
Subject: December 12, 2006 - Gold amidst the glitter - Daily Devotional
Date: Tue, 12 Dec 2006 05:29:21 -0800


December 12, 2006

Gold amidst the glitterby John Fischer

In the little town of Bethlehem, the most important birth in all of human history took place on what we now consider the first Christmas. It was sparsely attended by some bleating farm animals and a handful of shepherds who wouldn’t have been there had not the sky lit up with a multitude of heavenly hosts only minutes before, praising God and inviting the shepherds to the stable. What an invitation! With the exception of that outburst, however, no one else knew. Oh yes, there were some astrologers from the East who figured out what was going on by studying the stars and some ancient manuscripts, but they didn’t make it to town until at least a year or two later when the baby was a child. Why such an uneventful welcome for such an auspicious event?

It’s God’s way. He’s always been quiet about his work on earth. “How silently, how silently, the wondrous gift was given/So God imparts to human hearts, the blessings of his heaven.” He’s even pretty quiet about the way he works in our lives. Silently, he came into the world; silently, he comes into our hearts. No fanfare. No welcoming committee. God has never been into self-promotion. He lets his work speak for itself.

And that would be you and me. Believers are the result of Christ’s coming. It is all about good news and glad tidings for all people. A Savior has been born and he has been born for us. Or as the angel announced it: “The Savior -- yes, the Messiah, the Lord -- has been born tonight in Bethlehem, the city of David!” (Luke 2:11 NLT)
It occurs to me there are two ways to take all the fanfare and glitter of this season. We can see it as the over-commercialism of Christmas, or we can take all the lights, and gifts, and decorations, and parties, and bells, and carols, and Christmas specials on TV -- even Santa and reindeer in the front yard -- and bank them all as celebrations of the birth of Christ. We can even take the conversion of old Scrooge as the joy of new life and forgiveness of sins.

There’s no law against sanctifying the secularization of Christmas in your own heart and mind. It’s what we make of these things that count, anyway. Every single light can represent another soul secured in eternity as the result of what Christ has accomplished.
There was no room available for the Son of God when he came the first time. Let’s make sure there’s room in our hearts this Christmas, and don’t let anyone take away what is good about the glad tidings of Christ’s birth!

About my accent...

It really is a funny thing how I have this southern accent now. It all started in 2002, when Brandon and I had been dating about a year. I started this horrible habit of copying and making fun of all of my southern friends. And then before you know it...I wasn't really making fun of them, I was talking like them in normal conversation! AAHHHH

So there is a perfect example of how you have to watch your daily habits! Even if you think your daily small decisions aren't affecting you long term, they ARE! It's always the small decisions that make drastic changes! I don't even realize how much my accent has changed until I get around my side of the family or my New Jersey friends. Now I hear them and I think wow I can't believe I used to talk like them!! I watched a home video from 2000 and I thought I sounded soo weird hahaha. Now, some words I'm always going to say like a Yankee... like "talk" "walk" and "dog".... but in general I am no longer Yankee in my speech. I'm stuck in the middle!!

Thanks for your comment Candy, my faithful blog friend!

Video of Raymond laughing -- Part 2! :)

Raymond laughing at his diaper bag - February 2007

FEBRUARY 2007!!! PART ONE! :) I was going through some old pictures and videos and just HAD to add this to my blog hahaha. This was taken at our old house on WoodDale in February 2007... Raymond has always been such a happy joyous baby. I have to get a video of the way he laughs now when we massage his legs!!! Enjoy

"I'm just not as young as I used to be"

I just got filled my first 2 cavities ever. I can no longer see 20/20 so I have to wear glasses to see distance (driving and computer work mostly). and on Sunday night Brandon took me bowling and I woke up Monday morning and could barely get out of bed because my hip was hurting so bad. My wrist is a mess and my hip STILL isn't right and it's Wednesday night!

We did have the best time though. He took me to On the Border one of my favorite restaurants and then took me bowling and we had such a great time! It was so great to go on a date together and be just us!

But back to my point...I will be one quarter of a century in 2008. I can't believe it!!!!

but I'm okay with it. It has taken some time to get used to all these adjustments and to realize that I am officially not as young as I feel. But oh well!

I have never really felt my age, whatever that means! :) society is the one who "makes the rules" as to how you're "supposed to be" at a certain age...so it isn't set in stone, and we don't have to follow the norms they set. Go against the masses. To 'act your age' is completely just a societal way to limit people's creativities, imagination, and joy! Just be you! Don't let your age limit you. Don't let it make you who you are. Physical/biological age has nothing to do with anything! See beyond how long (or short) people have been here on earth... we can learn from EVERYBODY we meet!

That's all that was on my mind tonight!

The best present I have ever received (twice!)

I can't even put into words how excited and shocked and touched and blown away I was when I came home from work and MY piano was in my townhome!!!! Mom had it moved from New Jersey to North Carolina for me!!!! This piano was the best present I have ever received... from grandma in 1992. And now it was the 2nd best present I have ever received.. from MomMom, today. I feel unworthy to have been given such a precious gift, twice.... more on this later.

my comment on Brandon's blog

this was my response to Brandon's first post..... just wanted to have it here, for my thoughts, don't wan to publish it

Randi :) said...

Forgiveness is sometimes so hard. But who am I not to forgive? I know you learned your lesson and I know you will ALWAYS be EXTRA careful from now on with our boy. I really don't think that God intended for this to happen.... but He can turn anything around for the good, so I'm glad you are able to find something good come out of all this. I wish it never happened. I wish that I could comfort Raymond better... but if it takes an accident like this to make it happen - I say NO thank you!! But since the beginning, you've always been the comforter. You are the one that's most peaceful and calm, I'm the one who handles the details. I am the one who gets things done and takes care of things. Maybe someday I can have a little girl that will be a calmer personality and will be comforted by her mommie. Raymond went through his independent stage soo early and doesdn't want to be mommy's little baby. He is bonded so well with you. Maybe if we ever have a 2nd baby, you can be good at the details too and not just the comforting. Parenting sure is the toughest job ever huh? At least when you do it right.....Love you and I'm proud of what a great father you are. I just wish we could all be together more as a family.

Some of my most famous wildlife fiascos haha

What is it with me and wild life anyway. I have the funniest things happen to me all the time!! And the things that happen really ONLY happen to me! Lots of people wouldn't even believe the stories I tell if they didn't see it! But they are true!! I think that God just loves to keep my life exciting and He knows I love to tell stories so He gives me things to laugh about all the time!!



Some of my most famous stories are as follows. And I will do the shortened versions. Reading them, they are not as funny as when I can do the impersonations... I enjoy telling stories in person!


# 1 Randi & The Lizard
In 2004 I believe it was, Brandon and I were doing something outside at the house at Solera. The house on Solera Drive was where Donna J and I were roommates during college (and we also had 2 Lisa's come through as roommates, a Jenny and an Amber over our years there). So anyway... Brandon and I were getting something out of the storage closet, and we have these little green lizards everywhere down here on the coast of North Carolina. It's funny - but I am not scared of them, we've had them in the house, in my own bedroom even and they don't scare me. Yet snakes petrify me.... I can't quite figure out why. Lizards are just like them except with legs and a lot smaller... so I guess that's why.. anything without legs like that is just...wrong. Snakes are just ... GROSS, devilish!! but I digress again....

All of a sudden this lizard runs up the pants of my jeans (the outside though)!! and I am just freaking out... I am shaking my behind around looking like Beyonce with too much caffeine and I keep yelling Brandon Brandon is it off!!? is it off!! and He keeps saying it's gone it's gone and he is just CRACKING UP!.... Now, it's one thing if a lizard touches me and jumps off...that's fine I would have shrieked and that's it.... but the feeling of having something ON ME that won't come off brings me to another level of hysteria. So I bend down to look where I thought it was (it was right on my behind but I couldn't see it when looking over my shoulder) .... and I see this tail thing hanging down from the back of my pants and I just am losing my mind. "AHHH It's still there, Brandon get it off please please please.. somebody help me" and finally I realize the man of my dreams isn't going to rescue me during this one, he's having too much fun... so I grab for the "tail" and it wasn't a tail after all!! It was actually just a huge string hanging from my jeans that had tears, rips and threads everywhere.....So Brandon was right..... the lizard jumped off of me when he felt that first booty shake 2 minutes ago hahaha. So I was in hysterics for over 2 minutes for nothing. So Brandon got to experience the first of the many times he would see me freak out... and months later he would still propose to me after all that!

# 2 Randi & "The Bugs"
I have so many stories about cockroaches & grasshoppers... I don't even know which to tell. Down here, in the South, they call cockroaches..."water bugs". These water bugs, they look exactly like the grasshoppers look too... but to me I just label them all cockroaches so I won't feel bad killing it. Actually I have come to label everything bigger than a fly... a "bug". The day of my wedding was a great foreshadowing of what my life would bring the first 2 years of marriage. We had taken pictures in the gardens outside of the reception hall and went in to be introduced... we had a slideshow, toasts, dancing and then towards the END of the night Brandon took off my garter..... when I lifted up my dress, I thought I caught a glimpse of something on my crinolin (how in the world do you spell that?).. the fluffy stuff to make your dress float around. I keep investigating as everybody is watching Brandon prepare to take off the garter... and I peel back one layer, 2 layers and on that 3rd layer is something that looks like a cockroach!! That's when the "bug" label started.. "AHHH A bug!!"... I flicked it off me, it landed on brandon's shoulder and then I flicked it off him. It landed near my mother in law and she stepped on it inconspicuously yet victoriously! Everything happened so fast that nobody even noticed except the 3 of us and the photographer who probably took 200 pictures in 10 seconds haha. All the snapping made his camera go haywire so we have no pictures of the sceneexcept these 2 (blogger isn't uploading pics right now):

But we did get it on video though!! Then on our honeymoon... we went to New Orleans, went on a cruise to Mexico, came back to New Orleans and stayed there for a night. and we played in this really kinda sketchy place... Brandon said that after I went asleep, he saw a cockroach the size of a mouse and didn't sleep at ALL. He didn't wake me because he knew I'd go to the airport and wait for our plane the next afternoon rather than stay there any longer.... smart guy. He didn't tell me about that bug until months later.

So anyway, for the next 1.5 years after our wedding, the bugs would become a pretty big part of my life. We lived in a house that Brandon rented during his bachelor college years. It was just that... a dirty, ole bachelor pad that I definitely (with MomMom's help) made into a home and we really liked it... but it was still just old, and needed some TLC. It was the home Raymond came home to, and we have so many great memories there. BUT it had a problem...many problems really... the biggest one being that the bathroom needed to be completely gutted.. and the landlord just wanted to sell the house, so was waiting until we found a place to buy so he could sell it and be done with it! So nothing was ever fixed....so the tub dripped, the pipes were all cracked and so the house had a pool of water under it ALL the time.. more like a lake! Hence.. the 'water bugs' that came up through the drains into the house. I always associated cockroaches with cleanliness but I cleaned ALL the time and did everything I could... these bugs were here to stay.

Soooo in that house, whenever I was having a REALLY bad day... without a doubt, every single time.. a bug made an appearance where it wasn't wanted. The first bug was the week I found out I was pregnant! I didn't find out I was pregnant until I was about 14 - 15 weeks along! and I was shocked! I was on the pill! So needless to say... I was going through some emotions... and I was tired and sick. One day, I was just a mess.. more than usual.... and I was screaming, if one more thing happens, that's it! I am done. I am about to burst! All I wanted to do was to be able to throw up in peace and all of a sudden laying with my head against my favorite accessory at the time.. the toilet... I feel like somebody's watching me.. I turn to the toilet paper next to me.. and there is a HUGE HUGE HUGE bug staring at me! So I did burst.. and ALL of my emotions, fears, anger, frustration, sickness was taken out on that thing.

The next 6 months would continue in that same pattern. When I was having a REALLY bad day, God would NEVER fail to give me a bug to be able to beat the living snot out of to get out my frustrations. Some days I would spend whole days playing games with these things trying to corner them, find them, and kill them. I would play the waiting game with them for minutes on end not moving until I saw it come out of the place I saw it go in.

God knew what He was doing... I would have rathered it be the little bugs instead of Brandon that I flipped out on. And now I appreciate this new home we have SOO much more! I mean.. it doesn't have bugs (INSIDE at least!)... it has grounded electricity.... and a washer and dryer INSIDE! hahaha I am so thankful for our first year of marriage. It taught me a lot of patience, taught me new ways to direct my emotions and it taught me to appreciate the little things!

# 3 Randi & The Frog
I have so many other "bug" stories.. but I'll skip those for now. Fast forward to about a month ago. Brandon, Raymond and I were spending the night down at the in laws house at Carolina Beach. Raymond woke in the middle of the night and it was FREEZING... the thermostat had broken or something but it was FREEZING and I didn't have any warmer clothes for him. I didn't feel like finding the thermostat or extra blankets and I didn't have any other options... so I just left at like 3 o clock in the morning and drove home so Raymond could sleep in his own crib haha. I knew that he'd need to sleep late after being up in the night.. and I knew that wouldn'e be possible because they would all be up early there... and I didn't want him to get woken up -- we know Raymond.. he loves and needs his sleep!

so I just left, and told Brandon I'd be back in the morning after Raymond had had enough sleep! As I'm driving down the road 3 am.... all of a sudden I feel this slimy hard thing on my right side of my NECK!... In the dark I grab it and fling it across the car. Trying to stay on the road, I turn on any lights I can to figure out what the heck it was! I assumed it was a 'bug'.... after all I had had a pretty bad day. When I turn on the light I see a brown FROG on the passenger door where I flung it. At this point, Raymond is looking at me like what in the WORLD is going ON!! You make me stay in this freezing place, then you wake me up and put me in the car, then you scream and swerve all over the place.... I don't get it!

I'm like okay okay I can do this... I just need to find a place to pull over. so I see the McD's up ahead and head that way. All of a sudden the frog jumps onto the passenger seat and is just staring at me..... and I was like "OH no you didn't frog... you listen to me! You are not going to jump back over here, you understand me".... and I used all the threatening language I could come up with..... well he listened! I will never forgot those eyes staring at me though -- just daring to jump over to me again.... so I FLY into the McD's parking lot. Fling open my door, grab the nearest stick and go to the passenger door. I somehow was able to maneuver him out and finally victory once again!! Randi wins vs. wildlife! I do a little victory dance in the parking lot.... meanwhile all the partiers with their McD's munchies and late night workers in McD's are wondering what I'm on... and so I just wave and get back in the car and go home.

I really do think that God gives me these wildlife adventures when I'm having a bad day or when I'm being negative, etc. to give me a laugh. To say, lighten up Randi... or to teach me a lesson.. like my fly post from last month. God is so cooler than I could ever explain

Life is fun! :) Go live it! :)

Trip to Rocky Mount

Well right after Papa and MomMom left, we headed to Rocky Mount, one of Brandon's 'guys' came back home from Kansas City. He lives there with his girlfriend, but he was in Alaska fishing for 4 months so he came back to RM to see his parents and celebrate his birthday. The pictures from Alaska were GORGEOUS. I would NEVER live there -b ut I'd like to take an Alaskan cruise. He fished for 4 months... I can't believe how big these king crabs were that he caught for their food... they were HUGE HUGE HUGE... almost as tall as him from the end of one leg to end of another... GEESH!

Justin & Lindsey will by the next to be engaged is my prediction! JC & Allee got engaged last weekend, so that will be our next wedding we'll be going to, but not until next October. Finally, the weddings are slowing down... but I will miss all the festivities! What are we going to do when we're all married?! We have to throw parties to renew our vows or something - I want excuses to dress up real pretty again! It's not acceptable to me that I will only get to dress up like a princess once --- I will definitely renew my vows at 10 years and wear my wedding dress - hopefully it doesn't have to be altered too much by that point haha

But anyway, it was good to get around the 'ol rocky mount crowd. I like them a lot more as the guys (finally) mature and have calmed down a bit! They can even sometimes talk about things that are interesting and I can even chime in in some of the conversations hahaha. I had some good converstions STARTED with Ben, Butta and Cookie... but of course they are interrupted by people yapping about nothing and getting off subject hahaha oh well! It was still fun!

Raymond loved being around so many people. He stayed for quite a while and then went back with "Gamma" to go to bed. He was a little shy at first, but then opened right up and was just yelling and talking up a storm with everybody else. Whenever anybody laughed, he just assumed they were laughing at him and started to laugh too. I think his personality will be the kind that loves to be the center of attention and very confident! I don't know where he gets that from hehe

Eating bar-b-q with daddy!

Then on Sunday, we had cake and ice cream at Gamma's new house for Brianne's 1st birthday!


parker (5), Raymond (14 months of course), Ashton (7), Brianne (1), Shane (4), Taylor (2.5), Jasmine (8?) ..... that's all my nephews and nieces on Brandon's side

and of course here's one with Lennox in it - the official first grandSONdog... he and Ashton basically grew up together. He is like one of the grandkids haha I wish I could have gotten his whole face in there

Okay... so at least we TRIED to get a picture of all of them looking at the camera.. maybe SOMEDAY!!

Here's Raymond, with "Pop" who he is named after... Pop was petting him like he pets Lennox hahaha

at Gamma's new house, there's this HUGE swing out back... look at Ashton with Raymond and Shane underneath her....

It was a VERY fun weekend! :) The family just keeps growing!!!

MomMom and Papa Visit

We had such a great time! It is always sooo great to see MomMom and Papa. When they were here, we actually looked for places to buy for their 2nd home down here (for them to be able to spend 3 - 4 months out of the year with us) but then they had the great idea of just getting a house together instead. They will just just put in a little money so that B and I can get a bigger house than just Brandon and I could afford alone - so they will have a place to stay 2 - 4 months out of the year!! They are waiting to sell grandma's house that Ryan (brother) was renting (he moved to Chicago to be with his new girlfriend Katie this past Saturday! They met at a wedding in New Jersey)....then we could get a house, we're thinking we'll stay in our same development but get a house, about 1800 square ft plus FROG... so really it's probably about 1900 square feet. The FROG would have a bathroom which would be perfect for them to stay in! So we'll see! We are getting little steps closer to my dream of having Raymond be able to be around his MomMom and Papa more than just visits occassionaly and some holidays!!!

and of course Brandon is always looking for jobs up near Lake Shawnee just in case God wants to open a door there - we always keep our options open - to leave lots of room for God to bless us!

MomMOm came for 2 weeks, and Papa came for the 2nd week she was here only. I absolutely love watching Raymond and my parents interact. It's the best. Especially my tough old dad who absolutely just spoils his grandsons now and is such a mush! I always knew he was a softy, but it's great that he can finally admit it and show it to others!

With MomMom we just hung around and shopped and were silly at the house! We went to Fit For Fun one day so that was great for MomMom to see how CRAZY Raymond is haha. He's just so wild and FULL of energy! All the other kids and moms kind of avoid his path haha what can I say :)

We also showed MomMom downtown - it's changed so much since 2001 when we last took her down there. When Raymond's a bit older, we have to go on the battllship with MomMom and Papa and go on horse carriage history ride and a walking tour and go into the mansion tours, etc. etc. :) here's some pictures from the river walk

And of course we HAD to take MomMom to our favorite spot on the beach under the pier at Wrightsville:

When Papa came, we all stayed at St James plantation for the weekend so had a little mini vacation. The men got to golf and Raymond and the mommies just walked around St James and town near by called Southport which is just such a cute little town! It's where the Intracoastal Waterway, Atlantic Ocean and Cape Fear River connect - very cool! They are known for their 4th of July festivities but it was fun to walk around with out all the crowds! It's another town surrounding our home that is just full of history and has a unique story of its own! Cute little shops and little touches of history with historic plaques and data to read were everywhere - I loved it!

St James had it's own private beach front club - we loved it! 80's in late September - it was great! Had a pool and everything! :) and of course Raymond LOVED it the most! :)

We loved that MomMom and Papa were around even just to babysit for a few hours while I went to work. Look at how happy Raymond is with them. In that 2nd picture, he's just cracking himself up about being in that basket!! hahahaha

MomMom and Papa bought us bikes so we've been having the best time with them! We actually found a short cut to one of our favorite parks at the back of our develompent! So now I can go to the library, townhall to pay my waterbill and Raymond's favorite park in less than 5 minute bike ride! How neat!

Of course MomMom and Papa treated us to the Oceanic our fave restaurant on the ocean! And we of course took a walk on the beach afterward!

I am soo thankful Raymond was his healthy perky self while they were here and he didn't have any sicknesses for them! I hated to see MomMom and Papa leave again but knowing that they are taking steps to be able to be with us more gave me hope so it was an okay 'see you later'. :)

I know God has a great plan for us... I just need to work on my impatience and worry! Neither of those characteristics are what God wants of me! :)

MomMom is coming!!!

My mommie comes tomorrow!!!! She is staying here for 2 weeks! My dad comes next week and will stay for 1 week! I am soooooooooo excited! I probably won't be able to sleep tonight!!



I don't know what exactly we'll be doing but I'm sure it'll be fun fun fun.. I won't be journaling as regularly, so anybody who actually reads my ramblings, God bless you and I hope you have a great week!

Yay! Changes!

I really do love every season, but there is something about the cool air that starts to come at the end of September down here that just makes me feel so ALIVE. It brings renewed energy after weeks and weeks of dog hot weather. I LOVE heat, especially since we live right near the beach - there's nothing better than jumping in the ocean on a blistering hot day. But with a 1 year old who gets overheated fast... we are so glad to welcome cooler temperatures!

It is probably around 80 degrees in the sun and real breezy today and it feels GREAT. I have opened up all the windows and letting that breeze flows through is just incredible. I LOVE air conditioning, but I love fresh cool air more! The fans are going, the breeze is flowing, mommie's energy is rising, and I can FEEL the germs leaving the house!

We spent the whole morning playing outside, walking all around the yard, playing with the dump truck and it was great. I had my cup of coffee outside the screened porch watching Raymond and Lennox and I just had an... "ahhhh life is good, God is great" moment.


My personality makes me obsessive for change... and so here are a few little house decor I've put up recently that I really love:

At night, the car headlights were waking Raymond up.... so we had to put up this gorgeous red curtains. I used to have just a valance up there, but I didn't have enough money to get the double curtain rod system... so we just kept the one rod, and I put the valances as a bedskirt on the double bed in his room! It looks like a bedskirt doesn't it!? I was soo proud of myself. That's about as creative as I get... to me this was one of my best creative moments! haha. And I think the room looks so cute!

I also bought these brown baskets a long time ago but were using them somewhere else... so now I use them to separate his toys on and put on his shelf. My next "house to do" is to clean up his shelf in his closet! ahhh! The bookshelf and baskets still look pretty sloppy in this picture but that's because it was the middle of the day. We hadn't had cleanup yet! It looks real good all straightened up and put away.

This sailing thing was on top of a corner curio in my bedroom... but I think it just looks great on the wall... and matches the rest of the master bath as seen. We had our vows right there on the wall, but the frame was starting to break... so I put them in different frames and have them on our bookshelf in our room now.

And yes that's Lennox, the dog, drinking out of his dog bowl right there. Didn't feel like waiting for him to be done so I could take a picture!

I LOVE LOVE LOVE change! Actually I CRAVE it quite often. That's just part of ME!

Soap Opera at Lake Shawnee

I mentioned on my post about growing up at little Lake Shawnee that soon they were filming the Guiding Light, and that took place yesterday.



http://www.dailyrecord.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20070913/COMMUNITIES21/709130358



There's the first article I found about it. They spelled my dad's name wrong though, it's RON Wolfe haha. Even though I don't watch soap operas I will have to tape it for the 2 weeks these scenes will be on!

This picture that was in the paper is actually of our row boat! That little red boat is ours... how funny! They used it for the day. And the club got paid pretty well for the shoot. One of the lifeguards I trained growing up actually got to lifeguard at the shoot and made a couple hundred bucks for the day.

My dad couldn't believe how LONG it took to film such short scenes. It took the ENTIRE day and will probably boil down to 30 minutes total shown over 2 weeks of show. And that whole day process cost the show over $100,000 just for these scenes. That is crazy to me how much money flows through our entertainment industry. And this is just one production of hundreds that are being made right now. I would have liked to see how the whole process works.

So there you go, my little Lake Shawnee is still New Jersey's best kept secret... but now just a few more people know about it! :)

Crazy Day

I just had to write what a crazy day Monday was...

It actually started Sunday when Brandon used the wrong contact lens cleaner in his case. There are some contact lense solutions you use in this special case with this neutralizing tablet to disinfect and clean your lenses. We only have that solution in the house because it cleans up blood really well and my doggie, Lennox has prostate problems so drops blood unexpectedly (sorry I know it's gross) and it's not the easiest thing to clean off carpet, walls, hardwoods, fabric, etc. So anyway, that's why we have it. Well Brandon ran out of his regular contact lens solution so used this other kind I have. He soaked it over night and put his contact in and then I heard the bloody murder screams from rooms away! I knew that for my mild tempered phlegmatic husband to be screaming like this something was REALLY wrong. He ended up getting a really nasty chemical burn in his eye.

Sooo all day Sunday I had to deal with a teething baby (or maybe it's a cold or something that just hasn’t gone away for a week and a half) and Brandon who was even more sad acting than Raymond. So that was Sunday… just trying to keep up with taking care of my 3 kids (son Raymond, husband Brandon, dog Lennox).

Monday morning I woke up early to cook Raymond breakfast… I had to get Lennox to the vet before 9 so I ended up waking up Raymond early so we could eat fast so we could drop Lennox off to get neutered. Neutering we hope will solve his prostate problems. Dropping Lennox off took at least 20 minutes to fill out all the paperwork and to try to find a way to buy some time for us to find this 'extra' $700 to pay for neutering... to follow the $300 vet bill we had the month before.. and the $250 the month before that (for his prostate problems).

I then drove all the way back to Leland, a 30 minute drive back, and picked up Brandon so he could go to the eye doctor. While he was seeing the doctor, Raymond and I just walked around and did anything we could to keep him busy in the waiting room. Then I drove the boys back home and got everybody settled for a nap. I think we all ate lunch at some point, but I can't remember when or what it was. Then Brandon was supposed to have a dentist appointment at noon, but with his eye emergency all he wanted to do was go to bed, so we just switched appointments, I went to his and he will go to mine next month.

(With all these appointments we've had in the past 3 months, I am so thankful for our insurance. Even with the great insurance coverage we have,..... with all our copays on top of all Lennox's needs, I just don't know how we make ends meet. Somehow the money is always there though... and I give 100% credit to God for that. He always provides and protects us.)

The dentist told me I have 2 cavities! My first 2 EVER!!! So........since I've had Raymond, my body has changed a LOT! Pregnancy changed my mouth a lot - especially my gums, making them sooo sensitive. My eyes have gotten so bad (probably from working at the call center part time though) so now I need glasses for distance (first time ever!) and now this..my first 2 cavities. Am I just getting old or what!?!? I couldn't believe what one baby could do to me!! haha and then people ask why I'm not planning on having another any time soon! Ha! :) Look at what one has done to me in all areas of my life haha... and really, some days I feel like I already have 3 kids!

I don't know if God has more babies in store for us or not..... I'll let Him decide that, just like He decided it was time for us to have Raymond when we were least expecting him!

So anyway, I got back from the dentist, showered extremely fast and headed off to work leaving the babysitter to take care of the 2 babies (Raymond and Brandon). Then after work, baby # 3 had to be picked up from the vet from being neutered. And so since Monday I’ve just been trying to help everybody heal and get back to normal. I have to keep Raymond separate from Lennox which both of them hate... and Lennox won't stop messing with his wounds so now I had to get him one of those cone head things. The poor thing. As if he didn't hate me enough for removing his doghood.

WOW things have changed since I met Brandon in 2001! Who would have thought this is what my life would look like now...... but I wouldn't change a thing. :) God knows best

Visit back to my fairy tale childhood

I just wrote an entry about my visit back "home" to New Jersey where I grew up. I finally uploaded my pictures and so here they are. What a fairy tale I grew up in. In a small lake community, about 500 houses, around 900 acres in a private lake setting, where we could ice skate in the winter right off the backyard; Swim, fish and go on the boats in the summer and ride bikes all around the lake, with our parents never having to worry. We had friends all over the place where we could meet up with at the parks or at each other houses.. and we just had to be home by dark!

The lake has 3 beaches, 2 which people can swim at, and lots of little coves and beautiful peaceful settings around the lake. I never realized how full of color it was until I went home this past visit. During the winter it's soo COLD and GRAY and boring looking there (except around the holidays) but the summer and fall it's just GORGEOUS. I'm so used to the palm trees and sand and flatness around here on the coast so I had brand new eyes when I went back this time. I am soo blessed to have grown up in such a beautiful place. I always felt secure and nurtured there, surrounded by lots of people who knew me and stopped me to chat. My own little glimpse of mayberry.

Uninhibited

Something on my mind a lot recently....

WHEN do we lose our unhibited youthfulness? Is it those horrible awkward teenage years when all of a sudden anything fun is just not "cool"!? I don't know! WHY do the majority of people lose it? The Bible says that when we are adults, we are supposed to act like adults - but I believe that we have changed what it means to be an adult. Does being an adult mean you always have to be insecure and care what others are thinking? Does it mean you can't be involved in something over the age of 18 unless you are a professional? I don't think so!


It is okay for a 5 or 10 year old to dance on the dance floor at a wedding by themself - but you'd rarely EVER see a 20, 30 or 40 or even 50 year old like that (unless you assume they are extremely intoxicated) ---- or unless they have been able to FREE themselves from being a slave of their own mind - which is just uncommon.

And yet you would see 70, 80, and 90 years old out there regularly and think nothing of it! That is SO intriguing to me!!!! Why can't other people see this!? We are stolen of our joy but who is stealing it!?!? I have so much respect for the elderly and I really connect with them - because they live unhibited lives like children. They have realized that what society says really doesn't matter anyway.

Brandon and I are always the first to eat at the weddings so we can be the first on the dance floor. It's always the two of us and the kids on the dance floor for quite a while - nobody else joins in until much later in the night. It shouldn't be this way!

"Inhibited" according to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary is: an inner impediment to free activity, expression, or functioning: as a) a mental process imposing restraint upon behavior or another mental process (as a desire)

We are a SLAVE to our own mentality! It's a mental thing. All that has to change is your OWN mindset!!! So fight that mentality. Why do we have to stop doing all the things that are joyful and just plain FUN because we're not great at them. Society tells us that it would be okay for an adult to be dancing in front of everybody by themselves IF they were a good, professional dancer but otherwise it's not okay. And this isn't true in all cultures! It seems to be an American mentality.

Well I am fighting that mentality.... and at Jim & Jennifer's wedding tomorrow -- you better believe we'll be the first ones on the dance floor to get the party started! :)

There's no place like "home"

We just got back (yesterday) from a trip to New Jersey to see my side of the family. Although my home now is wherever Brandon (and now Raymond) are - I'll always call Lake Shawnee in New Jersey where I grew up "home" too. My hometown. It was sooo great to be back.

We flew up on Friday - the flight was pretty horrible because Raymond's teeth/ears were hurting him and all my medicine for him was in the packed bag not the carry on - because they were 4 oz. container instead of 3 oz. container..... So he was miserable - which in turn made me and the poor people squished next to us miserable. It was just so hot - those were the hottest days of the summer in New Jersey too - not just in North Carolina where we left from. It was extremely crowded on the flight which I'm not used to. Once we finally did land (it's only an hour flight thank God for that!) we waited over :40 for somebody from the Newark Airport to come and open the gate. What is WITH Newark Airport anyway!? GEESH. They are the hub for continental - so whenever it's bad weather or some air traffic control person sneezes the wrong way - there's a delay that affects every flight in the whole country. haha. But we made it!! I was soo happy to see MomMOm waiting for us!! We drove home, picked up dinner from Frank's and went back to the house to play. Man I miss that food! They have the best pizza, garlic bread, salad, ziti, everything! I haven't found a pizza place down here at all that compares to that!

on Saturday we went to breakfast at the Diner - Papa couldn't believe how much Raymond eats! haha Then we all (except Roxie & christian since he was sick) went down to Aunt Laurie & Uncle Bill's house near six flags and had a surprise 75th Birthday party for Nana. Her birthday isn't until November -- but since it's so hard to get the family together when it's cold/possible snow/when everybody's in school - summer is the best time.

Nana has 8 kids, 22 grandkids and 11 great grandkids (plus all the spouses) and although not everybody could come - there was a good crowd so I was excited for her. I saw cousins that I hadn't seen in 5 years - some I hadn't seen in 10 and some I hadn't even met!! It was great! It was soo hot - you'd think I'd be used to it being down in North Carolina but I'm not! I'm glad they had the kiddie pool set up for the babies.

You could tell we were all from the same blood - all the little ones that were there had blond hair blue eyes!

On Sunday we just played at the house. There are so many fun toys at MomMoms. Papa took Raymond for a bike ride! We went for walks down to the beach and to the elementary school down the road. We saw swans, ducks, and of course stupid geese haha and at night we went to 2nd beach where we played at the park - on the swings and slide.

I'll have to do a post on Lake Shawnee where I grew up. But basically it's just a fairy tale. It's a small lake community - I think there are 500 - 600 houses and it's a private community with only 2 entrances and 1 exit. People can't believe that such a peaceful, quiet, small town community could exit in NorthWest New Jersey. I always appreciated the lake - but I appreciate it soo much more now that I live on the coast. I LOVED seeing the mountains/hills and seeing everything so GREEN. We have a lot of sand, palm trees and flatness -- so this was a great change of scenery. I love Lake Shawnee and I loved going home. I especially love it up there in the summer and fall - and I haven't been up there just to have fun in sooo long. It was such a great trip. I loved being able to walk around the lake and recognize so many people. I LOVED seeing old friends and friends that have known me for so long and to have people be soo excited to meet Raymond. I also came across people I was trying to avoid -- but that is the catch 22 of a small community.

Hunter came and played Sunday night while Bonesy hung up shutters for MomMom and Papa. Then on Monday we went to the beach. I LOVED watching Raymond in the water of course. and I loved being in there myself. I took some great pictures of the lake, some beautiful trees, and views.... and my memory card had an error so I can't retrive the pictures! I am sooo disappointed!! So I told MomMom she just HAS to get soem pictures for me. I miss it up there so much. It's so beautiful --- so beautiful in fact that it will be on an upcoming episode of Guiding Light real soon!!

Lisa kayak-ed over while Raymond was sleeping and was even able to spend some time with him after he woke up so that was great. It was great to see her. We will always be best buddies. We can go forever not seeing each other or even talking that much - and then we're together again and it's like nothing's changed, except we both have changed a lot. We still have a great connection -- and always will. I love how I have grown since I lived in Lake Shawnee. Going back there brings so many memories up --- and I can even feel a glimpse of what I used to be like when I lived there... and it makes me proud that I have grown so much. In so many ways I'm not the same person at all. One of the things I see a difference in myself is my patience and my acceptance of others. I just appreciate people so much more -- especially people that have been a part of my life for so long. I have learned that friends and people are going to disappoint me.... but I stll need to seek out the good in everybody. I have to just accept them for who they are, appreciate the good parts pray for the bad parts of them. I can't get frustrated over tiny things about people that bother me, that I can't control. Really, that's between them and God - and I am no better than them so any time I feel critical I'm learning to bite my tongue and just put my eyes on my own faults, God knows I have so many. I'm glad to have moved on from Lake Shawnee...and I have so much peace and just feel happy about the woman I have become -- and am still becoming.

Tuesday we spent the day at Roxie's - they have such a fun home. Beautiful spacious house, lots of land, a pool, swing set, sand pit, so many fun toys! Raymond LOVED it! He even took a real long nice nap in the afternoon and we had a great day over there. Marilyn and Nicole came over and that was just awesome! Just like Lisa - they are some of our best friends and that bond won't be broken. I was so happy to see them. Bonesy grilled out steaks for us - and Raymond ate it all up along with his watermelon, pickle, and Hunter's spaghetti. He's a great eater and sleeper - I am so blessed.

Mom had done such a great job on the house. Everything was decorated so nice and smelled just the way I remember it. Man I miss living with them. Yet I love my life now.

While I was up there, I even found some special treats .....pictures of Mom, Dad, PopPop and Grandma that I hadn't seen before. Knowing how special these people are to me and knowing how much I LOVE LOVE LOVE history and memories... you can imagine how excited I was to find these:

I love how friendly Raymond is. That makes me proud. He is so funny with people. At the airport he was just waving at every single person we passed. Which is a lot of people! I love that he thinks that everybody is family. He thinks everybody is going to come and wave and smile at him and hug or pick him up or play. We were standing near this crowd of Middle Eastern men who were being really confrontational about something and causing a scene and it was pretty intimidating to me. If I didn't have to go through the door they were near, I would have left right away - but I had to wait in line right near them.... instead of being scared of the loud noises, angry tones, or men that looked a lot different... when we got right up on them... Raymond just started talking and smiling and doing his silly little wave that I've never seen any other baby do haha I don't know where he learned that wave. And the men were shocked! It actually stopped them in their argument and they turned and were talking to him and waving and being silly.

Nothing like a baby to solve the world's problems. Why can't we all be as friendly? I continue to talk to people all the time and smile at everybody so Raymond will learn that same trait - I think it's a people skill and just a healthy habit that is a lost art. I think it's so sad. I'm not going to teach Raymond to be afraid of strangers - I'm going to teach him to smile and show love and acceptance to everybody he meets.

That was a long post -- geesh! I guess I had a lot on my mind. But the bottom line is -- we had a great trip!! I miss it already - but it sure was sooo good to come back to Lennox & Brandon. I can't even describe how excited Raymond was when he saw Brandon - it was unreal haha. He had a spaz attack haha. So cute! I wish I had the camera

When we got home to our 'real' home... we went to Andy's - Raymond waved and 'made conversation' with everybody in there. Then we went to the dollar store and everybody was allowed to pick out one treat!! We had a CSX train pass on on the way home that we had to stop for....which always excites me and we even got to see a coupole of horses walking down our street! Oh how great life is! It is filled with so much beauty and interesting things!! I love seeing things like the freight trains and cargo ships coming in to port. It's just amazing to me that there are still those things in the high tech world we're in. I love things like that... I can't even describe the word for them... old, traditional? classic? primitive? what is that word... I don't know. But whatever it is - I love it!

I love that little things like a train passing us, seeing a freight train and seeing horses can make my night --- I am so easy to please.

Life is good - God is great.

Wilmington

(I'm just journaling this to share some information with friends and family about where we call home. I love all these things I am learning about it!)

I have been wanting to go the farmer's market downtown on the Cape Fear river forever and we were finally able to go this morning. Downtown is literally 3 miles from our home we but we rarely go! That's what is so cool about Leland - it's so 'country' I feel like I'm in the middle of nowhere sometimes - but then 3 miles away is Wilmington downtown! and 15 miles driving is the beach!

Raymond is teething so bad (his 4 molars are all breaking at the same time!) so we were glad to get out of the house even in this North Carolina heat! There were so many other strollers and doggies to look at so Raymond was happy and I was happy that we could get out! We didn't buy anything although I was extremely tempted to get some of the homegrown herbs, and vegetables and even paintings! But we did see some friends from Brandon's home town that sell roses and they gave us 8 BEAUTIFUL roses that they grow for free! And here they are on the dining room table with placemats I got from grandma that we hadn't used yet!! :)

I really love Wilmington. I've been here since 2001 when I came for school and they have made soo many great improvements in the past years. It is so much more community oriented and just so much more to do! There's always something going on!

I love how they describe it on the Wilmington.net site (here's another site I liked http://www.northcarolinatravels.com/wilmington/ )

This charming port city is located in the southeastern corner of North Carolina between the Cape Fear River and the Atlantic Ocean. Although not just a tourist town, Wilmington has become a popular destination because of its moderate, four-season climate, historic preservation district, annual events such as Riverfest and the Azalea Festival, and numerous championship golf courses. In addition, nearby Wrightsville Beach is a Mecca for sailors, surfers, sunbathers, beachcombers and seafood lovers.


The city has more than 97,000 residents (67% rise in population in 10 years) and is home to the University of North Carolina at Wilmington. It is also home to a regional visual and performing arts center, a regional medical center and to Screen Gems Studios - North Carolina, one of the largest motion picture and television studios outside of Hollywood.Wilmington, the county seat of New Hanover County, was incorporated in 1739 and was originally situated on seven hills located on the east side of the Cape Fear River. It was named in honor of Spencer Compton, Earl of Wilmington, who was a patron of North Carolina’s Governor at the time. To this day, visitors are reminded of its rich history by the grand old homes and tree-lined boulevards making Wilmington one of the most beautiful small cities in the south.


It's just an awesome city - so diverse with so much history. I'm actually reading a book about the Civil War right now and it talks about Wilmington a lot and about Ft. Fischer a lot. Wilmington is on the Cape Fear River and Ft. Fischer is on the Cape Fear near the Atlantic Ocean - basically where the river connects to the Atlantic Ocean. I LOVE history and look forward to digging more into the history of Wilmington. I know there's a lot of history of pirating - BlackBeard, etc. I'll get reading and write more soon!

We live about a mile from the Brunswick River which is a tributary to the Cape Fear -- here's Brandon & Raymond looking out at that river on one of our family days last week:

(Here's a picture of the USS North Carolina from our walk at the Farmer's Market today and then the bridge we go over all the time. Wilmington's on the left side of the bridge - Leland is on the right. We moved across the bridge to Leland in May of this year! That bridge is on almost every episode of Dawson's Creek I swear haha....... I love that it took us 3 minutes to get downtown -- we don't go nearly as often as we should!!)

I loved it when I first came here because it had the ocean (which was a key factor for me when choosing a college - had to be near the ocean)... but it still had the downtown/business/historic area too - it's not too big, not too small. It is sort of by itself in the SouthEast corner of the state away from the other big North Carolina cities. I love it! As well as the University of North Carolina at Wilmington where I went to school, the beaches (Wrightsville Beach being my favorite), and downtown on the Cape Fear River --- it also has one of the best film studios on the east coast, Screen Gem Studios. It's most famous for being the home of Dawson's Creek - they taped all the episodes here in Wilmington and surrounding cities. http://www.geocities.com/dcghosts/filmlocations.htm





And along with Dawson's Creek and now One Tree Hill... here are some of the movies filmed in Wilmington (most popular in bold):



Bolden! - wrapping productions soon
Nights in Rodanthe - coming out soon! A Nicholas Sparks novel
The Marc Pease Experience
Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever
Three Words and a Star
Twisted
Hounddog
The Beautiful Ordinary
The List
Dead Heist
White Men Can't Dance
Idlewild
Forgiven
RedMeansGo
Dirt Nap
Southern Belles
Loggerheads
20 Funerals
The Last Summer
A Touch of Fate
The Angel Doll
Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood
New Best Friend
A Walk to Remember
The Dangerous Lives of Alter Boys
Black Knight
Domestic Disturbance
Summer Catch
Kyoko
Longshadow
Bruno
Takedown
28 Days
The Pavillion
Morgan's Ferry
Waterproof
The Adventures of Elmo in Grouchland
Muppets from Space
Virus
A Soldier's Daughter Never Cries
Enchanted
Black Dog
Shadrach
The Cutoff
Dreams and Wishes
Off-Season
The Night Flier
The Jackal
Bloodmoon
I Know What You Did Last Summer
Lolita
This World, Then the Fireworks
Traveller
The Grave
Horry Story
To Gillian on Her 37th Birthday
My Teacher's Wife
Empire Records
Fall Time
Once Upon a Time... When We Were Colored
Stateside
The Road to Wellville
Radioland Murders
It Runs in the Family
The Crow
Chasers
The Hudsucker Proxy
Houshold Saints
Super Mario Bros.
Amos and Andrew
Alan & Naomi
The Butcher's Wife
Rambling Rose
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Secret of the Ooze
Sleeping with the Enemy
Billy Bathgate
29th Street
Tune in Tomorrow
The Exorcist III
Betsy's Wedding
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Loose Cannons
Everybody Wins
Little Monsters
Weekend at Bernie's
Collision Course
Cyborg
Dream a Little Dream
Dracula's Widow
Track 29
Traxx
Date with an Angel
Hiding Out
Weeds
The Squeeze
From the Hip
The Bedroom Window
No Mercy
King Kong Lives
Crimes of the Heart
Trick or Treat
Manhunter
Blue Velvet
Raw Deal
Silver Bullet
Marie
Year of the Dragon
Cat's Eye
Firestarter


Some of my other favorite things in Wilmington besides the beach, downtown and filming areas are:

• oak trees! (my favorite road in Wilmington is a road covered in oak trees that opens up to overlook the waterway -just gorgeous - Airlie Road - in a lot of Dawson's Creek episodes too) I LOVE oak trees - there is something so romantic about them.


• The annual Azalea Festival --- pictures below - I LOVE the azalea's and love the belles in their dresses and garden hats and gentleman from the Citadel - a piece of history revived every year!


• Airlie Gardens - just gorgeous and again lots of history
• I just love the history in general - the old southern plantations around the city... and even the buildings and houses right in downtown -- I have to take a picture of 3rd street - with all the oak trees, huge porches, sidewalks - I love it! I would LOVE to go back in history 100 - 150 years ago but ONLy for a day!

a bad day - but a blessed life

Ever have a day (month, year?) that you just feel .... inadequate, not up to par, not successful at your roles? I feel like I'm always second -guessing myself in the mom role. It's just that it happened so suddenly - yes I had 6 months (I found out when I was 3 months pregnant) to prepare - but it was so unexpected.... I couldn't believe GOd would trust me with such an incredibly HUGE responsibility and role.... and sometimes I feel like I'm failing at it....

I don't even know where to start this journal entry --- except to say I guess I just had a bad day. This morning I did something that is SOOO unlike me - ms. planner & ms. organized. I ran out of gas on my way to Raymond's doctor's appointment. I knew I had very little gas - but I just didn't feel like stopping last night so I figured I'd get it this morning. It said I had 30 more miles -- and the gas station is within walking distance from my house. I didn't even make it out of my development and it ran out. I guess that's how much the A.C. uses gas - I don't know.

I probably could have just pushed the car to the station it was so close... but how was I supposed to do that? Have Raymond steer while I push? So I felt like such a loser - I had to get Raymond in the stroller in this unbearable heat (thank you God it wasn't as hot as last week -- and thank you God it was right near the house and gas station) to the gas station, buy a canister, fill it with some gas and walk back to the car. By the time I got back to the car I was DRENCHED. and tired and unhappy but still thankful it happened where it did. Then I had the wonderful task of trying to figure out how this thing worked. With a crying (hot) baby who doesn't feel good already - I could barely concentrate enough to read the instructions on this stupid canister. Through my sweat (and tears) I almost made out the words and then just said -- forget it, I'll force it open... there was all this safety "stuff" to protect the can from not opening --- but that sure didn't help me - it sure did open and open all over my hands and shoes. :(

Then I read the label and it says in huge warning letters - be careful - gasoline fumes are harmful keep yourself and children away from gasoline at all times, etc. etc..... as if I didn't feel like a bad enough mother already. I went through about 30 baby wipes trying to get the gas off of everything - but still tonight I smell nothing but gasoline. I FINALLY figured out how to get the spicket thingy to be able to pour the gas into the car... and we were off to the doctor's - sweaty and crying (both of us). Good thing I left early to let Raymond catch a cat nap in the car.

We were going for Raymond's well check --- and the last time I went to the doctor I reminded myself NEVER to go again without a helper. This time I am writing it down to remind myself -- NEVER EVER go to the doctor again without Brandon there with you or a helper! Raymond is SOO extremely strong and very strond minded and independent - and he is soo hard to handle when he's tired, doesn't feel good or doesn't want to be somewhere. Right now he naps twice a day still - and when he misses that good morning nap - he's about impossible. I literally can not control him sometimes. I think a lot of it has to do with his frustrations. It requires a lot of patience to deal with him when he throws a frustration tantrum -- patience I don't have all the time. :( He's had constant teething which causes ear infections and he must not feel good a lot of the time. But he just tires sooo hard to be happy though --- he's always so smiling and tries to always have fun - but gets frustrated so easy. I didn't realize that his crankiness was because he didn't feel good. He really doesn't say any words, isn't walking at all - and has had quite a few ear infections (well 2 that were diagnosed - and I have feeling there were a lot more). He has fluid in his ears - and they really aren't sure how much he hears -- although mommy knows that he definitely does hear -- he knows his name and he LOVES to dance to any sort of music he hears! But I just don't know how clear he hears. Something I brought up to the doctor months ago, that was just shrugged off as a paranoid mom fear.

I was born almost 100 % deaf --- and I had to get tubes in my ears three times before it finally worked well enough for me to HEAR. Once that 3rd set went in, I took my first step and starting talking up a storm (but don't worry - I've made up for the times I missed not talking).

I know that Raymond's hearing is definitely better than mine -I'll be curious what the ears/throat/nose doctor says on Thursday.

Raymond was also born with an enlarged kidney (they actually caught it while he was in the womb) and so we've been having to go to ultrasounds every 6 months. Our next one is in a month. I hope that isn't why he gets fevers so often --- and why he sleeps so much - I don't know though. The doctors don't seem concerned about it at all.

The other things the doctor changed was that we are officially tonight stopping the bottle. He's still been having his bottle before his bath after dinner (with Next Step formula) but now we're quitting that cold turkey - and doing milk and sippy cups only. And his favorite toy - his walker - is now folded up and sitting in the top of his closet.... he has always walked on his tip toes (my brother did the same thing)... but the doctor thinks it's making it worse to only walk with the walker -- since he's always pushing it around - and we push with our toes not our heels -- so that makes sense to me. So the walker is bye bye... but he won't miss it once he is running all over the house without it. I can't believe how fast this guy goes with the walker though - it's incredible haha. He turns corners so fast and literally RUNS - sometimes I can't even keep up with him running - he's so fast. I look forward to him running around without it - he'll be so cute walking and running around!

I just feel like I have done so much wrong as a mom. It's the hardest job EVER --- yet anybody can qualify for it..... and it's not really praised or appreciated (which quite frankly I'm used to --- being a good athlete and good student - I'm used to constant rewards and praise when I excelled).

I just feel like a failure some days... but I know true failure only comes when you quit. Right now I'm just making a LOT of mistakes that I need to learn from.... but I don't think Raymond deserves a mom that makes mistakes!!!!!!!!!!! Starting off those first days when I was starving Raymond and couldn't understand why he was crying.

He was trying to tell me he was hungry and I would just pass him to Brandon or MomMom because I couldn't comfort him and I thought he was getting milk but he wasn't. So I believe I lost a lot of ability to comfort him then. I think I lost some of his trust :(... Then when we finally got that figured out (day 3 of his life) I got the worst mastisis (mastitis?) and was miserable anytime he nursed. I would just cry and cry.... and I had the worst baby blues - sometimes I would even scream when he was nursing. Losing his trust even more -and losing that bond. I had the worst baby blues for a while. I would give him to Brandon a lot the first months - I didn't have any confidence and those first weeks didn't help that at all. I felt like a failure - and I felt God had really messed up giving me this huge huge huge huge responsibility.

Then Raymond thrived - he slept, ate and did everything so well. I was on cloud nine - we had a great rest of the year.... and was so proud of myself and how I was keeping up the home and being a good wifey and taking care of Raymond. The only thing that I had a negative feeling about was how attached he was to Brandon and not me... I think it has to do with the mistakes I made the first months. And the fact that when Raymond gets sick which has almost been monthly... when he gets sick - he runs to Brandon.

Whenever he was sick up until a month ago - I'd let Brandon comfort him. Either when we were home - I was the one who was calling the doctor, calling the nurse line, finding the tylenol,etc. etc. and Brandon would be comforting him.... There were too many other details I had to work out so I just let Brandon take care of him...... but if I could do it all over again -- I'd say Brandon do this do this do this - and I would take Raymond!!

I don't mean to complain -- I just say all that to say.... I hope that Raymond knows I love him. My love language is words - and so I don't necessarily feel loved by him yet. I feel like he loves Brandon the most and that I'm just his caretaker for when Brandon's not around. I just feel like a terrible mom sometimes. It's my fault he hasn't progressed like he has - and it's my fault he isn't as connected to me as he should be. I never wanted him attached to me - I'm not into the attachment-parenting thing ---- but I certainly wanted to have a great bond with him. So from now on, I don't care if I have to do all the details AND hold Raymond - I am going to comfort him when he's sick!

So all that being said... I just feel like a mess today. And when you're having a negative day --- you just see everything else through negatives glasses. All I see when I look at my beautiful home is the dog hair everywhere that I haven't cleaned - the pile of papers I need to file but haven't and the books I have been wanting to read but haven't... when you're feeling like a loser --- all you can see is other things that support that opinion.

So I'm going to go to bed and I'll just start over tomorrow. When I wake up I will say, "I am a child of God - the only and only King. Therefore I am a princess and I am a great mom, wife and friend. I do my best for my family and I am not hard on myself at all. I love myself and I am beautiful inside and out." So that's my positive reinforcement speaking for myself when I wake up tomorrow. I'm so thankful that this is what is a bad day for me. My bad days are still better than the GOOD days of 80% of this world's population.

I am so blessed. There's always some sunshine amidst the clouds.