My memories of Grandma

I want to start a running list of every memory I have with and of grandma. I don't want to forget anything about her or anything I've learned from her.

• My earliest memory I think of her, is sitting at her house in Maryland, on the couch facing the door, fireplace and screened porch to our left, grand piano straight ahead. She was reading to me out of an orange book, which I am pretty sure is the Charlie Brown one that mom still has somewhere. If I close my eyes, I can go back to that day and remember her smell - she always smelled so clean and just, like grandma! I LOVED hearing her voice reading to me. She was always so gentle and had such a sweet gentle voice, and as always I can remember her hands as she turned the paper. I don't know why, but her hands drew me in. I took a picture of her hands a couple of years ago - so I would never forget them, I just LOVED her hands. I guess that's a little weird. But I just didn't want to ever forget them. The hands of one of the Lord's servants. They, just like her, were always gentle, strong, calm, with beautifully trimmed, modest nails. How many times I had held those hands, had tears drop on them and kissed them saying hello, goodbye, I love you, etc.. The last thing I did before we left before the casket was closed was hold those hands one last time. They were crossed like she always crossed them, with her Bible spread out on her lap, open to Isaiah 40:29-31. Those hands had touched thousands of people, and will continue to through her family. She WAS the Lord's hands and feets since He was no longer here in the flesh, and I hope to follow in her steps.


• My next memories all kind of blur into one another - and they are the memories of Easter at grandma's. How excited I would get the night before we left for grandma's! When Ryan would come bounding into my room and say Randi wake up we are going to grandma's - I would pop out of bed so fast it was like I was never really asleep! That car ride seemed to last FOREVER! How excited I would be to see dad turn on his left turn signal to turn into Parker Avenue. I remember one of the last roads we always had to turn on (I think it was the school that the high school was on?) I just remember we had to go up a big hill and turn left then I think it was the big McDonald's on the left! Then when we pulled into the gravel driveway - we barely let dad stop the car before we jumped out and ran to the back step to 'surprise' grandma (as if she wasn't waiting looking out the window for us). I loved that back step - with the covering from the garage to the back door. There were always plants and work gloves on the back step and it always smelled so good back there with the rows of green beans, figs, carrots, honeysuckle? and I don't even know what the other plants and flowers were -- but I sure can smell it right now! We always were able to pain easter eggs for tradition - I remember sitting on that red stool/chair with the little red table in the kitchen. We would all sit there and paint and decorate the eggs after they were boiled. I love that grandma still let us have traditions that most families do but she always made sure we understood what the holiday was REALLY about. We had easter egg hunts in the garden out back - making sure not to squish any of the rows of hidden treasures under the soil. A funny memory I have is remembering how much I LOVED grandma's ice machine - I thought that was soooo cool we could go and get ice from her freezer without having to unload an ice tray! haha what a little thing to appreciate! I loved going to her mall to see the Easter bunny and church with them Sunday morning.



• The next memory I have is of her Sunday School class. She taught sunday school for years and years - all differnet ages. And what she taught when she was older was the older ladies. She let me visit with them one time. There were blacks and whites and you could tell they just loved grandma. I loved seeing how important she was in church. She really made a difference there and I could tell she made a difference to a lot of people.



• Her sweet singing voice - always so gentle



• That twinkle in her eyes when she was being 'devilish' or making a joke. She was ALWAYS joking. She really felt humor was a great medicine and she laughed to lighten up a conversation with a funny pun. Her and mom just killed me with those puns haha. I'll never forget the twinkle in her eye -- Raymond DEFINITELY has that - I love watching him when he gets that - I think of her every time.



• I can't describe this next memory that well - but it's just a memory of how deliberate she was sometimes. It was like I could hear her thinking. She was one of the most intelligent woman EVER, I truly believe that. SOO highly intelligent that she had SOO much going on in there all the time - she was always misplacing and forgetting where things were, etc. Just disorganized... yet organized. But whenever we went to pathmark (grcoery store) or wherever... when she was putting her money away, she'd always be so deliberate about it - I could hear her thinking, "ok this is going right in there" and then she'd close it real tight and pat it. Almost a way to help her remember she put it in there and it's safe. She was always good with money. That I know she always appreciated. Growing up poor in the depression she really understood how to work hard and how to appreciate what you earned. She always said, "watch your pennies and your dollars will take care of themselves"



• I remember grandma's old station wagon she had. I LOVED it when she let me ride in the way back seat facing backwards!! That was so neat. It was blue and I remember the smell of that too - it really is true that the olfactory is the strongest sense we have for memories. I remember one special trip she took me on to the Big Giant ("green giant"?) for a toothbrush - I was staying with her and I forgot my toothbrush! And she just happened to have a coupon as always so she got me a new one!



• We took many trips down there - but she also came to visit (and PopPop too) quite a bit to New Jersey before she moved here. I remember this one time when Mom and her REALLY surprised me. I had no clue at all she was coming.. but I came home and mom said, "you have a surprise, can you find it".... and I could sense somebody was in the house with us... and I was like OHHH GRANDMA WHERE IS SHE!??!?! ANd went running everywhere and found her hiding in the laundry room! One of the best surprises EVER!



• One of my next favorite surprises was in 1992. Grandma bought ME a PIANO!!!!! Isn't that incredible!? It is still to this day - and I think always will be - my most cherished and best Christmas present ever. I can't wait to get it down to North Carolina - I hope to use it to bless others. Thank you grandma so much for this present yet again. I LOVE YOU for it!!!!!



• I have wonderful memories of playing the piano with grandma. One was on Christmas Eve one year - when I had dropped her off from Christmas Eve dinner - it was just me and her - and we had a great litlte concert - I am pretty sure I have it on tape somewhere - I HAVE to find that. Man, I miss her so much. She played the piano for her church when she was only 7 years old.... the pastor finally let her play after weeks of asking and her mother asking. And afterwards - he told her he couldn't believe how well she played - she did not make one mistake. she replied, of course I didn't -- I wouldn't have played if I was going to make mistakes. An extremely intelligent, disciplined and VERY gifted girl/woman.



• I remember pieces of her clothing -- the orange coat with the white wool hat she wore during winter.



• the fur coat she had for so many years. I love that thing. I don't care what people say about it - I loved that beautiful garment and it sure did a great job of keeping grandma warm she she needed it! She stopped wearing in when that witch at the dentist said such awful things to her.



• I have wonderful memories from all of her letters and postcards and have kept each and every one of them. Almost every one is filled with a scripture card, a tract or a christian sticker. She was always sending me neat puzzles, interesting articles sooo many neat things she had found in the paper and thought of me. Man what I wouldn't do to have her here, fully and healthy to talk to. I have so much I want to discuss with her - I would appreciate soo much all those little things she used to send so much more now. I didn't apprciate them back then as I do now.



• "Jesus loves me" to all her grandchildren and great grandchildren - and the song I sang to her repeatedly (and we sang together) the last months we had on the phone together. When I had nothing else to say and found myself getting upset on the phone - I'd just sing that. When I was having a hard time understanding her, or she was having a hard time understanding me - I'd just start singing it. Now I sing it to Raymond every day and night and think of her each moment.



• I'll always remember the way she said, "delish" as in "delicious". How much she LOVED dessert, how she ate so dainty.



• I love how she called me sweetie



• "can't complain"



• "it could be worse"



• One of the last times we had together - I dropped her off after a visit at our house - I think maybe it was January 2007 - and I was watching the aids and her start getting ready for bed - and I just stayed a while. I thought wow --- I can't believe I don't even know her night time routine - part of me wanted to stay and take care of her 24 - 7. But I had Raymond. It wasn't in God's plan. But as they went about their nightly routine - talking about "granny like's this... granny likes that.. mommie always does that, it's okay... I realized these nurses knew so much more about her daily routine and what she likes/dislikes than me. It hurt me - I felt guilt. I knew grandma, the inside grandma better than anybody - but I knew so little about her daily struggles and her daily life. But yet I didn't see a way I could be there for her and take care of her. Looking back - maybe Brandon and I should have moved up to New Jersey and lived with grandma as soon as I found out I was pregnant... I dont' know what to think abou tthat. It's still a battle I struggle with. But I know this, that moment in January 2007 - I'm glad I felt that guilt because it made me lay down in bed with grandma. They took off her glasses and she laid in bed ready for sleep. I realized I really didn't see her without her glasses at all - she looked so different. I laid down next to her - and felt so much pain and regret that I hadn't done this a million times before. I am very aware of how she is feeling all the time - if she's anxious, if something is wrong, I'm just in tune to it somehow. In the last years sometimes something was just wrong, but she didn't always know what it was that was bothering her - something just wasn't right and she couldn't communicate it. Like a baby. I was able to see grandma as a baby in a way. As a person who needed somebody to be patient enough to figure out what was wrong and what was needed - the unspoken requests. I lay in bed with her and just started to get so emotional - this physical touch and love was something she had been missing. Shame on me (us) for not giving her this physical touch more often. Sure we held her hand, gave her hugs and kisses - but never a strong embrace or laying and holding each other. She was missing that since pop pop died in 91 (?). I am so glad I laid with her that night. I turned off the TV - it was on some news station talking about the war and I made sure the nurse knew to NEVER again leave it on that station at night - grandma needed to have positive quiet peaceful images and noises right before bed (and truthfully the whole day - but especially before bed). It made me mad that I was not there to control little things like that. The same with Raymond... the little things make such a difference, like the TV being too loud so he gets overstimulated or a toy being soo obnoxious for him that he gets frustrated. I was able to see the little needs for grandma that were not met - yet I was not there to meet them all the time. Those last years were so hard - torn between wanting to care for grandma and be there all the time with mom and my husband and new marriage with him - then finding out I was pregnant. I hope grandma knew that my lack of physical presence wasn't because my love had dwindled at all - I hope she understands how much my love for her has MULTIPLED abundantly every year as I grow older!!